My Right to Love

Recently, some commenters have shared their opinions of their perspectives of gay people on this blog. They happened to be Christian as well. In this article, I try to understand their perspectives.

First off, my belief is that all religions are the same and want to achieve the same thing – goodness. I respect the essence of all religions and believe in their goal to help people. This article isn’t a discussion about religion, but a trying to understand what the motivations behind the people who want gay people to ‘change’ might be.

Why Do People Want Gay People to ‘Turn Straight’

It always perplexes me why some people want me to change – to be straight. Do they want to because they truly believe that if I ‘turn straight’, that I will be saved and I will go to heaven? I mean, really, do they care so much about me that they want to see me in heaven with them? Do these people even know me? And if they do care that much about me, why do they get so angry when I tell them that I cannot ‘turn straight’? Why do they start hurling abuses or names at me? I thought you cared? If you do, why do you not care how I feel when you call me names?

Thus I don’t really think they care about me. It has to be something else. I’ve known people who care genuinely for me, and they do call me names. They do not judge me. They accept me for who I am. So I know when someone cares. If you are someone who has been trying to ‘turn gay people straight’, perhaps you can ask yourself – do you really care for gay people to ‘turn straight’, because you care about them, or is it something else? I mean, you are just reading this article. No one will know what you think, except God, of course. And you can be honest to Him.

The Bible and Sin: Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong?

The reason that some people give when they describe being gay, or when two men have sex, as being ‘wrong’ is that it is a “sin”. On the other side, there’s the argument that many have tried to explain – if you choose to consider some acts in the Bible as sins, and some not – whatever might suit your practices, then isn’t that biased? The argument goes then that if you can consider being gay as being ‘wrong’, I can then similarly consider it as not being ‘wrong’, as many churches have also chosen to do. Then, which church would be right? But this will never end, for some people would then say – but my church is truer than yours. And this will go on and on, as we try to find ways and means to justify that our interpretation or “sin” and the Bible is truer than the other. So, this is not it. The Bible and the church cannot give us the answers to this debate.

It’s always curious why some people might say that when I have sex with a man, that it is a ‘sin’. They claim to think that just because two men have sex, the very act itself is a sin. Of course, we won’t even talk about the many men who have had sex with one another over history, the Christians who had been married in the Middle Ages or the many men who had been married in antiquity, or of the priests who have had sexual relations with one another as well since the dawn of Christianity. This is not it – historical facts cannot resolve this debate as well.

Empathetic Connections in Any Relationship

It is curious why even though they are not me, and that they cannot imagine the emotional truths and realness that I have when I bond with my partner intimately, and how this union is as true and loving as that, that they have with their partner of an opposite gender, that they believe that what I have is anything other than real. The same goes that I cannot imagine why anyone would want to have anything to do with a vagina, but I wouldn’t judge that someone chooses to have sex with someone of the opposite gender. You have what makes you feel comfortable and I have what makes me comfortable. You won’t need to justify to me why you want to have sex with someone of the opposite gender for as long as you do not make me do it your way, it’s really your life and how you want to lead it is up to you. I won’t call it a sin because as long as you feel the real connection with someone else, who am to say it’s not real?

Similarly, I would feel a strong connection with my partner – physically, emotionally and spiritually – and it’s real and touching for me. Every connection each individual has with another is unique and true to what they feel, so we are not quite in a position to tell another – “I don’t think what you have is real” – when we are not them and do not feel the connection that they do. I suppose for some of you reading this, you can understand, for as much as you would want another to understand and empathise with you, you know too to empathise with another. This is also what I’ve learnt.

Universal Truths and One Religion? Yours or Mine Yet Again?

But still, this might not be it. For some people would still insist that their worldview is the only truth and that I should ‘change’ because it’s what they say is right. But, what about what I think is right? But then, this isn’t a matter of what is right or wrong. For some people, it’s a matter of WHO is right or wrong. But then, if it’s about the ‘who’, why did we keep debating about “sin” as if it’s real, when what we are talking about is “your idea of sin” or “my idea of sin”. Of course, we can say but there is one universal sin, and one universal truth. But this still doesn’t resolve this – when there are two different ideas of truths, whose truth is right, or more right? So, no, this is not it. It’s not about what’s right or wrong. But perhaps, it’s about whether it’s you or I.

And so, there are hundreds and hundreds of religions in these world, and many thousands other beliefs and faiths. And within each one, there are many more. In Christianity alone, there is already so many different forms, where sometimes they debate as to which is the truer Christianity. Yet again, what is the truth? And who is right? If there is only one truth, why are there so many religions? If there is only one truth, why are there so many different forms of Christianity? If there so many gods, when we die, how many gods will we see in heaven? When I die, will all the gods line up to welcome me? Will I need to shake my hand for a year before I finally get to enter heaven? Yet, some people might say – my god is the real one, you will only see my god. Then again, who is right?

Accepting Ourselves Before We Can Accept Another

Eventually, it’s not about what our religious text says, is it – because all of us look at it differently and interpret it differently? Eventually, it’s not about what “sin” is, is it – since all of us would understand “sin” differently? Eventually, it’s not about what is the truth, is it – since we would want to debate about whether your truth or my truth is the more ‘right’ truth? For some of us, we would say – but it doesn’t matter, for your truth is as real as mine, as long as we feel it in our heart what is right and what is real. And just as I cannot be you, to live in your body and to live your life, and you cannot mine, we cannot understand what it’s like to be the other. And if we know this, we know that we would not be in a position to judge another or to think another ‘wrong’. We would learn to accept the life that another has to go through, just as we hope that others would learn to accept what we go through. But what of someone who cannot accept what he or she has to go through, and thus no matter whether another accepts of them, they wouldn’t of themselves?

But I’ve learnt to accept myself, so it doesn’t matter what others think of me, even if they cannot accept me. I’ve learnt to feel the truth within me, embrace my truth and live my life as true to myself as I can. Some people who have also learnt to embrace their own truths, even if they might not be gay, will understand how I’m doing and will accept me as well. But what of someone who does not see my truth? But I don’t need them to see it, but as long as I’ve already seen mine, I can live my life well.

Why Do People Want Gay People to Live Their ‘Truths’?

Indeed, if I already have a life I believe is real and am living it, why does someone else hope to come and pry this life away from me and ask of me to live their lives? Why do you think that your life is still better than mine, even as I feel that the way I’m living is as true as can be for me? Perhaps it’s not me that they care about – they want me to live their truths. But yet why? Is it because that if they can convince me to live their truths, that it would make them feel that their truth is more real? Does it make them feel more assured to know that if I can ‘change’, that they can feel safe to know that their truth is safer? Is it not about me, then? Is it not because someone cares about me, but because they actually worry for themselves?

What If I Don’t Believe in Hell or My Hell Looks Prettier Than Yours?

Is it that the more people they are able to convince, the more support they feel they get and the more they trust their religion more? Because since I’m not Christian and have my own beliefs, and since I do not believe in a Christian hell, if I die, I won’t see fire and the Devil, right? In fact, in my hell, I might see roses, and beds and beds of roses. And I might see unicorns and dolphins swimming all around me. And this would be my hell. And this would do for me. Would this do for you?

But perhaps you still believe in your hell, and believe that if I don’t believe in your idea of sin and stop doing what you consider to be sin, that I might go to your hell and burn in your hell. But I’m not Christian! If I don’t believe in your hell, I can’t burn in your hell! You can, because that’s what you believe in and are afraid of! And that’s why because you are so afraid, you want me to ‘change’, so that I won’t go to that scary hell. Or perhaps, that if I don’t believe in the fiery hell, but believe in the hell with roses, unicorns and dolphins, that you might be scared because if that’s the hell that you would be going to, and this is the hell I would go to, you might be jealous. It’s unfair!

Maybe It Isn’t Gay People Who Have To Change

Well, then you have a choice. You can change.

Not that I’m forcing you, of course. It’s all entirely up to you, as long as you can accept yourself and live up to the life you want to live. It’s all up to you.

So, is this it? Is it because you are scared of what you have to go through alone, and so you keep asking me to ‘change’, so that I can go through it with you? Or that if I don’t change, that you don’t want to go through it, because if I don’t have to, why should you?

If this is the case, it’s not really about me, is it? It’s about you. And your religion. I’m very happy with myself. And I’m very comfortable with myself. If my happiness makes you uncomfortable, then it says more about you than it does about me, doesn’t it?

But I’m not you and I do not follow your religion, so I cannot say what it is that you are unhappy with. Perhaps you feel stifled? Perhaps you feel pressured that your religion says that you cannot “sin” and you know that you are “sinning” everyday and it makes you feel terribly guilty? Perhaps you feel that this makes your religion too overpowering for you? Yet, is it because you feel that you have to stay within your religion and so you feel trapped? Does your religion make you fear so much that because you “sin”, that you might go to “hell”, that it scares you so much that you have learnt to put fear on other people as well?

I don’t know. I am not you and I do not follow your religion. But I won’t judge. I will let you have your way and pace of learning, and I will have mine.

Going On Our Own Journey and Respecting the Journeys of Others

What I’ve learnt is that we all have our own unique journeys. No two journeys are the same. No two lives are the same. No two learning is the same. So it goes, that no two truths are the same, or two rights, or two wrongs, and perhaps there’s a universal truth but until we die, we won’t know what it is for until we reach the ends of the universe will we be able to touch it. But till then, we could learn to understand the life that another go through, and respect the life that another has to go through. For if we do not live the life of another or understand the truth of that life, the least we could do is respect it and accept that the individual has his or her learning to go through. For that’s what we would want of others to do to us as well.

Though as long as we are able to accept ourselves for who we are and stay true to ourselves, we would be able to live our lives as honestly as we can. And if we don’t, we might think that we are not good enough, and we might hope that if there are others like us, that perhaps we won’t feel so lonely in our journeys. Yet, if we have learnt to accept ourselves, we would be able to journey on our own and still feel joy and happiness.

But if we accept ourselves and stay true to ourselves.

Yesterday, I had wrote about a General Paper (GP) notes of a junior college in Singapore which had discussed issues on discrimination. The topic on homosexuality was highlighted in the discussion. This was captured in a photograph by an individual who was privy to the notes. The photograph has seen been removed by the individual.

You can read Part 1 of this article here.

I had written to the individual to ask about why the photograph was removed. This was the respond that I had received:

“hi, I’ve removed the photo. I felt it was inappropriate as my intention was never to let others flame my school, just to let others see how discrimination can occur in schools thanks to MOE’s institutional policies. At any rate, (the) teacher has clarified that it was an example of discrimination (albeit outdated) and the sch did not endorse it.”

I informed the individual that I am also a former student of the school and had written to the school to understand the situation better, and to share my perspectives.

The school had not responded to me, but I believe that the school might have conducted an internal investigation. I did not want the school to look at the incident adversely, and had decided to write another email to the school, to explain my intentions.

*****

Please see below the follow-up email to the school:

“Dear Principal <Name>,

I am sending this email to follow up on my previous email. I understand that the author of the photograph had removed the photograph and had clarified that the teacher in question had used the illustrations of discrimination towards same-sex rights as an “example of discrimination”, and that it was perhaps not intended to be deterministic in its interpretation. 

I would like to thank you for looking into this matter. 

Please do allow me to elaborate further about my initial intentions in this email. When I had emailed the school, I had hoped that this would lead to a more elaborate discussion on same-sex rights, so that this would provide the students with a more intellectually thorough and critical appreciation of the issue.

My intention wasn’t to rebuke the teacher or the school for the discussion on the issue. Rather, I believe that the school has the intellectual strength and integrity to provide the students with an opportunity to discuss an issue that might have been avoided by some, and would cause a dearth of knowledge acquisition for the students. Indeed, as a General Paper (GP) subject, students who are well-equipped to deal with issues of civil rights, such as on gender, ethnicity and indeed, sexual orientation, would be looked upon by the CambridgeUniversity in a more favourable light. The students’ ability to own a conviction on an issue such as this would showcase their youthful maturity and this would not only bode well for their grades, but for their character. 

I believe that this is an opportunity for the school to continue to provide a space for the students to discuss rights-based issues in a more comprehensive and broad manner. In the discussion on homosexuality, it would be encompassing if the school could educate the students on alternate viewpoints towards the acceptance of homosexuality, and allow the students to formulate their own critical analysis of the issue, this being what the essence of what GP is about. What are the biological, sociological, cultural, religious and scientific interpretations to this issue? Why is homosexuality seen as ‘unnatural’ by some religious groups but not others? Why do gay individuals continue to champion for their civil rights, and how can this be seen in the broader context of civil rights in history? How can we explore the psychological dimension to discriminatory behaviour, which according to some theories, is rooted in an individual’s inner insecurities and vulnerabilities, which they project onto others? A good starting point for educational resources would be the LGBTQ advocacy group, Stonewall, which lists on its website comprehensive educational materials for schools to manage discussion on homosexuality. You can see the link here: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_school/education_for_all/default.asp

Personally, I take a neutral stance on this issue. I might be gay but the imposition of my beliefs on another is irresponsible. Do I want acceptance from others? Yes, I do, but the manner to achieve understanding shouldn’t be from imposing our viewpoints on others. Rather, this is a matter of personal introspection that individuals should be allowed to undergo to come to their own informed opinion of the issue. 

It is in this light that I applaud the school for grounding itself in strong knowledge and intellectual foundations. Teachers should be empowered to provide a competitive education to our students. Students should be given the opportunity to explore diverse opinions in such settings. Similarly, the public alike should also play their role to strengthen the intellectual depth of our educational institutions.

I hope that the school will continue to allow the teachers and students to pursue an expansive education in issues such as this, especially in the current civil rights issue of same-sex rights of our generation. As a former student, I would be very proud of my school if it were to provide an education to my fellow students which would strengthen their intellectual capabilities. 

And I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the school for its leadership and guidance to me and to our fellow students in this. It is important that our leadership takes the lead to provide a framework of openness and intellectual depth to allow for a thoroughness in thinking that would pervade itself in the lives of our students. 

I would be open to working further with the school on this matter, or linking the school up to other organisations in Singapore which work on similar issues.”

*****

I hope that the school would respond to the subsequent email and that we could explore opportunities to develop a broad-based curriculum on the discussion on discrimination and homosexuality, as a GP subject.

Hopefully, the school would look to this discussion as an opportunity to further allow for intensive intellectual debate on this issue, so that the students would be more equipped and prepared for the topic as a GP subject, and more importantly, in adopting holistic perspectives towards understanding this issue.

I also welcome diverse groups, such as other religious groups and ‘conservative’ groups, to add to the discussion, so that we provide a deepening of viewpoints, with which our students and youths in Singapore would be able to benefit from.

Last week, I had chanced upon a photograph of a Singapore junior college’s General Paper (GP) notes, which discusses issues of discrimination. In this particular section, the issue of homosexuality was discussed. I would not publish the photograph here as the author of the photograph had decided to remove the photograph, and I would like to respect the author’s right to do so.

However, I would like to point out two sentences which I was uncomfortable with:

• “To protect the rights of children, it may be necessary to restrict the rights of homosexuals.”
• “A government might also justify discriminatory policies on ground(s) of social order and stability.”

Please note that as you do not have access to the notes, there can be a possibility of taking these statements out of context. Though I would say that, for whatever purposes the notes were created for, even as they could even be meant as a starting point for discussion, I do not believe that it is appropriate to frame the discussion from such a deterministic angle, first because of the lack of intellectual quality, especially since the context should be for a broad-based GP critical discussion, but more importantly, on the effects that it would on students who were exposed to such discriminatory language used in the notes, which ironically, aims to discuss the issue of discrimination.

I am a former student on this school. As a former student, I believed that I needed to speak up on the situation, to protect the current and future students, and to also encourage the school to create a more conducive environment for a more critical appreciation of the issue, no less because the students’ ability to understand the issue will determine the grades they would receive at their ‘A’ Levels.

*****

I had sent the following email to the school (Please see the text below):

Dear Principal <Name>,

I had attached the following letter in the email (Please see the text below):

“Dear Mdm <Name>, 

My name is Ngerng Yi Ling, Roy. I am a former student at the <School>.

I had recently chanced upon a photograph of the <School> JC1 General Paper (GP) Notes on the topic of prejudice and discrimination, where there was a discussion on homosexuality. Please see at the end of this letter the photograph.

I had studied at the <School> in 1998 and 1999. In my year, I was the only Arts Faculty student who had taken 4 ‘A’ Levels subjects, as it was known then. In the JC1 Promotional Examinations, I was awarded the top prize in both Geography and Art. I entered the National University of Singapore in 2002, where I was placed on the Dean’s List in the second semester of my study, making it to the top 5% of the cohort of that semester.

I am also gay.

I was dismayed when I read in the JC1 GP Notes the discussion on homosexuality. The notes had made the following statements on homosexuality:

“To protect the rights of children, it may be necessary to restrict the rights of homosexuals.”

A government might also justify discriminatory policies on ground(s) of social order and stability.”

At <School>, I had two exemplary teachers, Mrs <Name> and the late Miss <Name>, whom I had no doubt knew about my sexual orientation but continued to entrust me with many responsibilities and provided equal care and guidance to me. Yet, I cannot be certain that the same level and amount of care and respect is being accorded to my fellow students at the <School>at this current point in time.

I understand that the Ministry of Education would prefer to take a neutral stance in this matter, or a stance that is aligned to the current legal circumstance, but consider the following.

As a GP subject, it would be practical and paramount to discuss the issue of homosexuality and 377A from a more complex and dynamic perspective, rather than to take on an essentialist view. The law that criminalises sex between two men, 377A, is borne out of the power dynamics in the religious and political strife in Europe in the Middle Ages. 377A was introduced into Singapore, by way of imperialism, in the 1930s and is a relic of Singapore’s colonial status. Even so, in 1967, England had decriminalised gay sex and is now in the midst of legalising gay marriage. Yet, Singapore continues to be the only advanced economy in the world which still retains 377A, even as Hong Kong and India have repealed the law, and Thailand and Vietnam are now considering legalising gay marriage and/or civil unions.

The Singapore government had in 2007 refused to repeal 377A and had said that they would not proactively enforce the law. However, in 2010, the law was actively enforced again. This year, there were two constitutional challenges to 377A in the courts. The first of two of the judgments was passed earlier this month where the court had believed that it was not in a position to repeal 377A and had relegated this responsibility back to parliament.

Consider too that the ‘A’ Levels are administered by the Cambridge University, which had also recently been ranked the best university in Great Britain to provide a gay-friendly workplace environment in the 2013 Workplace Equality Index, and 11^th among the companies ranked. The University of Cambridge and Great Britain have a much longer, stronger and vibrant movement on civil rights and it is without a doubt that they would adopt a much more discerning perspective than what the <School> JC1 GP Notes had catered for. Certainly, their sophisticated understanding of the issue would severely undermine what our students are being expounded on.

There are broader ramifications in the discussion on issues pertaining to sexual orientation that a responsible education needs to cater for. LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) youths who grow up in an environment which routinely espouses a thinking without critically appreciating all facets of the matter can only constrain the intellectual and psychosocial development of our youths. Research has shown that many LGBTQ youths who face discrimination in such circumstances, grow up developing long-term mental health problems, such as lower self esteem, lower self acceptance and even depression. In turn, they would be more susceptible to risky behaviours, such as unprotected sex, because they would lack the confidence and negotiation skills to adequately protect themselves.

Discrimination towards LGBTQ individuals also reflect the larger societal mores of a people – what does it say about our lack of awareness and understanding towards matters of diversity and how we would treat other ‘minority’ populations, in terms of gender, race, age and class? The LGBTQ civil rights movement needs to be understood as part of a larger movement towards the recognition of rights and differences. It wasn’t too long ago that women and peoples of different colours regained their rights and dignity as equal human beings.

I am a by-product of an education system which had not catered adequately for my development and growth. At <School>, I would have been considered one of the most intelligent and well-performing students. Yet, it was many more years before I could reach a psychological development which could be said to be on an equal footing.

I write this email to you because first, I believe that a well-thought through GP essay on rights and discrimination needs to be more thorough and encompassing in its perspectives. This email would be more highly-received than what the notes would have. Second, I believe that in the interest of the overall health and well-being, as well as intellectual growth of our youths, we do need to provide an environment that allows them to learn in more empathetic and critically-thinking ways. What is the use of producing academically-qualified students who have compromised self-actualisation beliefs?

In the past one year, I have set up two blogs on LGBTQ and socio-political issues in Singapore. I have also had the opportunity to meet with students from the NationalTechnologicalUniversity, Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Nanyang Polytechnic and the Raffles Institution to share with them about LGBTQ issues. I have also met with students from the LiverpoolUniversity and an international news agency to discuss about the socio-political ongoings in Singapore.

I hope that the school will relook its teaching materials to provide our students with a more balanced and intellectually more adequate appreciation and inquiry towards the matter. This will not only put them on good stead for the ‘A’ Levels examinations, but also provide them with greater insights towards formulating their thoughts on discrimination and civil rights issues. I would also welcome the opportunity to provide further assistance to my alma mater to raise awareness and understanding on this matter.

Thank you.

Your sincerely,

Roy Ngerng”

*****

I will update on this blog the outcomes, if any. If any case, I would continue to pursue the matter with subsequent emails to the school.

Update: I had not received a response from the school and had sent a subsequent email to the school. You can read the email if Part 2 of the article here.

Love wasn’t meant to be confined anyway
But yet only when one truly loves oneself

I just want a simple life
I’m a simple man
Not a boy, but a man?
But they are only labels

For we are all souls
Confined within the human body
Learning the human impulses
And learning to tame them
Even as we want to draw on them

But souls die?
No, souls don’t die
When the human body bids its time
The soul goes on

But the soul is love
It’s not confined by human principles
Not whether you are gay or straight
Or whether it’s wrong or right
Whether you are good or bad
For love is

And indeed if you know how to love
The self you will love
For love, it knows no name
Nor creed nor judgement in deeds
It knows only the heart
And the self
And the truth
That no man says
But you alone knows
For you,
You are born in love, to love
And you, no matter who they say is not, you are.
And is love

But if you live your life in fear
And dare not embrace who you are
For you know that if you did
You know not what you would do
For you will then be set free
For I know
I’ve seen
That we surround ourselves with those who we think do not
Or will not make us venture beyond
For once we did
Know not now what it’s like…

The truth
The beauty
That will set us free
Alight
To roam the universe
At once, in peace

I’ve often heard this from people – gay relationships are not possible, I don’t believe in gay relationships, I don’t think I will be able to find true love as a gay person.

But then, the problem isn’t with who we love, but how we find love.

I feel a need to write this article because when gay people keep feeling this way, we will continue to believe in this and inadvertently influence others to believe in the same way. Down the road, what future are we giving to ourselves and our younger gay people?

Finding love as a gay person is possible. If we understand what we are doing and how we are going about finding love, we will be able to find long lasting and fulfilling relationships which can last for the rest of our lives.

Jumping Into A Relationship Without Getting To Know Our Partner

The key reason why our relationships don’t last is because we tend to “jump” into a relationship. When we get to know someone, we might find him good looking and so, we might want to be with him. But have we really gotten to know him as a person? Do we know what his character is like or whether his character and values are similar to ours? We don’t. And after one or a few dates, we decide to become “boyfriends”.

Can you imagine if our gal friends tell us that they had just met a guy today and decide to go into a relationship with him? We can’t, because then we will ask her, “Don’t you want to get to know him better before you go into a relationship? What if he’s not the kind of guy you like?” Isn’t it funny that we will ask questions like this for our gal friends but not of ourselves?

There are Social Norms On How Gay People Should Form Relationships

Here is what it is – among the heterosexual community, there are social norms which you are expected to abide by. Men and women should date first before deciding whether the two of them are compatible. Before having sex with each other, they should at least believe that this relationship is something that they want to invest in. As much as social norms can entrap people into rigid ways of working, sometimes there are good reasons why these norms had formed.

In this case, these norms of dating and waiting allow you to assess for yourself whether this is someone you want to be with and whether you want to make a commitment with someone. Within the gay community, we aren’t measured by norms such as this. And thus when we meet someone, we don’t wait and we decide to have a relationship and sex, sometimes on the first date.

What is happening is that instead of getting to know someone before going into a relationship, we have combined the two processes, so that we get to know someone while in the ‘relationship’. What this means is that we don’t really know if this person is compatible with us but we enter into a ‘relationship’ anyway.

But Why Do We Want A Relationship? For Love or To Feel Complete?

Then, the question is, do we want a relationship for the sake of having one, or do we truly love that person and that’s why we want to have a relationship with him? It’s more likely the former. Then, the question is, why?

As a young gay person, for some of us, we might not know any other gay person. We feel that we are on our own. So, we might want to get to know another gay person whom we can identify with, so that we feel less alone, as a gay person. This is because, growing up as a gay person, you also want to know that there are other people like you, whom you can get support from. And when we get to meet someone, we might conflate our feelings of gratitude to find someone like us, as love. We might then want to form a relationship with him, and to ‘love’ him, even as we don’t really understand our feelings at that point. On the other hand, if someone ‘loves’ us, it also makes us feel more ‘complete’. Perhaps we have not been able to love ourselves enough yet, since we are still learning to understand ourselves, and so, we hope that if someone else can love us, it can compensate for our not fully loving ourselves yet.

Why can’t we wait then? Why can’t we take time to know someone before we decide to enter into a relationship? You see, when we are young, we are impatient and we want to be with someone now, instead of having to wait to properly get to know someone. When we are looking for someone to make us feel complete, the idea isn’t to look for someone who is ‘The One’, but someone who can satisfy our inner need to feel complete, at this moment. So, the idea isn’t to get to know someone. The idea is simply to find someone and get together, almost immediately, to fulfil that inner need as soon as we can.

As such, if that’s what we want – to look for immediate fulfilment for our inner need – what would be the most immediate characteristic that we look at when we meet someone? – whether he is good looking, because physical traits are the most identifiable traits, as compared to getting to know someone’s character or values, which will take more time to find out. And thus when someone is good looking, we decide to be attracted to them, and based on this, decide to get attached.

Do Relationships Not Work Out Because Of Incompatibility or Our Own Flaws?

Now, as mentioned, when we go into a relationship almost immediately, while we are in a relationship, we are also getting to know someone while in a relationship, and thus we’ve conflated the two processes when one should have come after the other. So, when the relationship eventually doesn’t work out, what do we think?

Many times, we believe that the relationship didn’t work out because he didn’t know how to love me, he’s not faithful, I don’t know how to love, and eventually, gay love isn’t possible. And if we go into several relationships like this, we eventually believe that gay relationships are truly not possible.

But what’s the real reason for the relationship not working out? The real reason is because we simply don’t know our partner well enough before we decide to get together. If we had gotten to know him first before going into a relationship, we would then have decided that we might not be compatible, because of our different characters or values. And if we decide not to be together, we won’t attribute this to the idea that he or we are flawed, or that gay relationships aren’t possible, but just that we are not compatible.

But if we combine the getting to know him process with being with him in a relationship, when things don’t work out, we might say, he didn’t know how to love me. But why? He might not have known how to, because if the two of you think about things differently or have values which are different, you might not be able to agree with the same future or same lives and thus gradually, feel that you don’t actually want to be with each other. So, you see, while you are in a relationship, you’ve decided that you are not compatible. Yet, because you are in a relationship, you think that you have to make it work. And so you shoulder on for another few months or perhaps years, until you decide enough is enough, it’s not working out. And by the time you decide to call off the relationship, you’ve conflated others reasons that crop up within the relationship and blame either him or yourself for not being able to be a good partner. And then, you attribute it to being gay that’s the issue.

But what’s the real issue? You guys weren’t compatible in the first place, but because you had fast tracked the process of getting to know each other by being in a relationship, you didn’t realise that and you keep making something that wasn’t supposed to work in the first place, work. And thus many issues were conflated together.

How Can We Have Fulfilling Relationships?

What then should we do? Very obviously, we need to first understand why we want a relationship with someone. Is it because we want to find ‘the feeling of love’ because of an inner need? If so, then we need to learn to deal with the inner need by ourselves first, to learn to love ourselves. When they say, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, this is what it means.

Second, when we get to know someone, instead of “rushing” into a relationship, we could spend about a month, or two, or three, depending on how long we might take, to get to know a person first, and finding out if this is the person we want to be with, before we decide to go into a relationship with him. This way, we do not conflate the two processes together.

Third, if we still decide to go into a relationship with someone even if we do not know him enough, then we need to know that eventually, if we realise that the two of us are not compatible, we need to have the awareness to let the relationship go and acknowledge that the issue is with compatibility and not because of our flaws, or his flaws, and least because we are gay. Of course, sometimes a relationship might not work out because of our issues, such as communication or a willingness to commit. But this is another issue altogether.

Conclusion: Having Awareness and Loving Ourselves

To sum up, the issue is that we need to understand why we want to love, so that we are able to bring that awareness into our relationships. We should spend some time to get to know someone, to decide if this is someone we want to be with for the long haul. And finally, if things don’t work out, we need to have an awareness to understand why this is so, and not attribute blame to ourselves or our partner unnecessarily, and most importantly not to attribute blame to thinking that it’s because we are gay.

Whether you are gay or not, love is possible and a beautiful journey that you can take with your partner. The key is to be aware of how you conduct yourself and how you have a constant awareness of yourself, your partner and the relationship so that at every step of the way, you will know what needs to be done, and how you can continue to make it more fulfilling for yourself and your partner, without attributing problems to the wrong causes.

At the Singapore Perspectives 2013 conference, “PM Lee was asked by a participant how the fact that the Republic is a secular country reconciles with “an old and archaic law that nearly discriminates against a whole (group) of people”.”

Mr Lee had also said that, “These are not issues that we can settle one way or the other, and it’s really best for us just to leave them be, and just agree to disagree. I think that’s the way Singapore will be for a long time.” He added that the “conservative roots” in society do not want to see the social landscape change.”

Let us to track the progress of the acceptance of gay rights in Singapore.

If you look at this article, there are about 35% to 40% of Singaporeans who are economically-conservative. There are also about 35% to 40% of Singaporeans who are not economically-conservative.

If you look at the trend of gay rights in America, you can see that since 2011, the majority of Americans believe that there same-sex marriages should be made valid (chart below). You can see that over the years, more and more Americans have become more favourable towards the acceptance of same-sex rights.

In America, the support for same-sex marriage along political lines is as follows:

Now, the political divisions in Singapore are actually very similar to that of America. If we extrapolate the statistics, below is what you will get:

According to the proportionate representation and their corresponding expected support for same-sex rights, the support for same-sex rights in Singapore would be 46.88% and those who do not support stand at 50.5%.

According to a study conducted in 2010 by NTU which was published in the Asian Journal of Social Psychology last month, where they stated that, “with regard to acceptance of homosexuals, 44.9% of respondents found them unacceptable, 14.7% were neutral, and 40.4% were accepting.” According to the study, “there is no majority view on acceptance of homosexuals. Nearly as many people say they can accept as say they cannot, and a sizable portion (nearly 15%) say they are neutral on the issue.”

The study also indicated that, “the results indicate that, overall, the attitudes of Singaporeans was less negative in 2010 than five years previously.” From 2005 to 2010, there was a decrease in negative attitudes by 4%.

If you also extrapolate this upon the extrapolation on the accepting attitudes of Singaporeans based on the Gallup survey, there will be 50.88% of Singaporeans who will support same-sex rights, and 46.5% who will not, which means in the near term future, a majority of Singaporeans will be accepting of same-sex rights.

If you extrapolate this upon the NTU survey, you can chart the accepting attitudes towards same-sex rights in the chart below:

When the survey is conducted again in 2015, you can expect that a majority of Singaporeans will be accepting towards same-sex relations. In fact, if you take the point where 2013, you will already see that a majority of Singaporeans should already be in fact, accepting of same-sex rights.

I will leave this at here for now, while you make your own decision.

Dear Pastor Khong,

Actually, I don’t know what my ‘homosexual agenda’ is. In fact, none of us gay people know what the ‘homosexual agenda’ is.

It’s the first time we have ever heard about the ‘homosexual agenda’. Because we’ve never lived by this. We don’t have an agenda. We just want to live our lives.

This term, the ‘homosexual agenda’ isn’t created by gay people. It’s created by you. Now, the question is, why did you (and those who align) create the idea, the ‘homosexual agenda’?

Why did you and some people create the ‘agenda’, become fearful of the ‘agenda’, go against the ‘agenda’ and fight against the ‘agenda’, when all the time, this ‘agenda’ was created by you, you live within an ‘agenda’ that you’ve created and make it real, and fight against it – you are essentially fighting against yourself – You.

And no other gay person are involved in this cycle that you create and perpetuate.

We are really confused when you say we have a ‘homosexual agenda’. This ‘homosexual agenda’ was created by you, out of our own fear, which you then transpose on us, and want us to live by it.

But we do not want to live by any agenda. We only want to live our lives, just like you are living yours.

The question you need to ask is, if the ‘homosexual agenda’ wasn’t created by gay people, but by people who are not gay and fear the gay people, then what are you fearing?

What do you fear about the ‘homosexual person’ which you say you are not against, but fear? And why do you fear?

Why not reach out to understand? Because I’m willing to reach out.

Dear Pastor Khong,

I had chanced upon your latest status update and was pleasantly surprised when you had said that, “To anyone out there with homosexual orientations, I want to say: God loves you. The Bible (God’s Word) unequivocally calls me and my fellow Christians to love you unconditionally.” However, you continued to say that, “While we reject sin, we love and accept the sinner.” Though you showed honesty in saying how according to the Bible, “sexual sins, therefore, include heterosexual promiscuity, homosexuality, polygamy, paedophilia, beastiality and necrophilia,” and that you agreed that, “In God’s view, I suspect we are all sexual deviants.”

Previously, you had said that you were worried that the legal acknowledgment of homosexuals would lead to, “negative social changes, especially the breakdown of the family as a basic building block and foundation of the society. It takes away the rights of parents over what their children are taught in schools, especially sex education. It attacks religious freedom and eventually denies free speech to those who, because of their moral convictions, uphold a different view from that championed by increasingly aggressive homosexual activists.”

In your latest status update, you apologised for thinking so and said that, “I repent of rejecting, alienating, and condemning you because of my own fears or ignorance of or indifference to your struggle. On behalf of the Christian community, I ask you to forgive us for where we have consciously or unconsciously rejected you or condemned you. I commit myself and my church to do our best to come alongside you in your sexual struggle—while not condoning sexual sin, be it yours or mine.”

Thank you for your apology. I forgive you.

*****

You go on to say that, “Having said all the above with genuine sincerity, please understand that, as concerned citizens of Singapore and as Christians, we are NOT against the homosexual person, but we are unapologetically against the homosexual agenda. And that makes a world of difference.”

According to you, “the homosexual agenda is a political movement. It is well-funded internationally”, and that it is a “well-thought out plan (which)… comes in five steps.”

Honestly, when you spoke about the “homosexual agenda”, I had sincerely wanted to find out more, because if there was indeed an homosexual agenda which I did not know of, which would be unfair to others, I will be the first one to speak out against in and to prevent this agenda from being practiced.

I read on about the five steps of the “homosexual agenda” that you speak of:
1. Decriminalization of homosexual acts or sodomy.
2. Equalization of age of consent for heterosexual sex and homosex.
3. Anti-discrimination laws e.g. pushing for equality in sex education to cover heterosexual sex and homosex
4. Same sex marriage or civil union
5. Homosexual parenthood and adoption rights

*****

When I read the five steps you purport, I was slightly bemused and didn’t know how to react to it.

You see, Pastor Khong, I am gay. What you say is a ‘homosexual agenda’ is something that I live through everyday. One day when I find the person I love, I want to be able to marry the person, and live in a committed, healthy and supportive relationship with him. Pastor Khong, I do not have an agenda nor am I interested in imposing my life on others. I am also not interested in imposing my beliefs on others. You see, Pastor Khong, being gay is not a belief or a choice that I have decided to live with. I live with it because just like you are heterosexual and live your life along the way you know yourself, so do I live a life the way I know mine.

The truth is, I’ve always felt that for the heterosexual community, you have it much easier. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through the life I did. I had to grow up, facing discrimination in school and I had to learn to day in, day out, deal with it. Can you imagine how it had felt whenever I went on stage and I got booed down the stage? Can you imagine, how it had felt, for a teenager, who was only starting to learn what it was like growing up, having to be jeered at and ostracized, simply because he was gay? I know, because I had to grow up living with it. For me, it was very real.

Did I have a ‘homosexual agenda’? No, I don’t, Pastor Khong. I don’t. Because all this while, throughout my whole life, I just simply want to live my life, and I want to help the other gay people I know be able to live theirs, so that they are able to life their heads up and accept themselves for who they are. It isn’t easy living a life as a gay person, and why would anyone choose that? I do not want another person to go through what I had to go through. It’s painful.

*****

When you speak about the ‘homosexual agenda’, you spoke about how society would then enact anti-discrimination laws and ensure that there is equality in sexuality education.

Pastor Khong, but this is precisely what we did – not because I am gay. There are many people who continue to be discriminated in society – women, people of other races, the elderly, migrants etc. We need anti-discrimination laws to protect our people and our workers from being discriminated, because there are others who do not believe in their way of life or their rights and have thus chosen to discriminate against them. I have friends of other races who are discriminated. What do I tell them when there are no laws to protect them from discrimination? I was discriminated as a child – what would you have told me when I was young when there were people who had discriminated against me? That I should accept it?

It was painful growing up, having to learn to cope with the pain and discrimination. For many teenagers, if they had been taught how to deal with the discrimination and hurt, they would learn to become stronger individuals. But like me, there were, and still are, many gay youths who learn to blame themselves for being gay – for something that is essentially who we are, just like being straight is who you are – and we learn not to accept ourselves and look down on ourselves. If we were taught in school how we needed to learn to respect ourselves and to accept ourselves, we will be able to walk with our heads high. I developed low self esteem which lasted me through all the way until my mid-20s. It was only in the past 4 to 5 years did I finally learnt how to regain belief of myself, and learnt to find the strength to go on living my life, and learning to live a life that I can be proud of.

You see, Pastor Khong, I understand that you have your fears, and I understand that you might not understand the life that I had to go through. And I understand, because you do not live my life, or perhaps understand the inner struggles that gay people have to go through.

Pastor Khong, I do not have an agenda. All I want to be able to do is to simply live my life, achieve happiness in my life and be able to live with the one I love, in happiness and commitment. That’s all I ask for, Pastor Khong. You have the love and marriage that you are able to fulfill with the one you love, similarly, I wish that I am able to do that too.

For a long time, I have been discriminated and learnt to deal with it even as I felt hurt from being marginalized. As I’m growing up and now that I’m an adult, I hope that I am able to settle down peacefully with someone whom I can call home with. However, I’m still being discriminated for living my life. I’m still told that I do not have a right to be recognized for the love that I wish I can grow old with. Pastor Khong, this means that I should continue to feel alone, and stay silent in my own loneliness. I look at the marriage that you have and I admire the joy that passion that others can grow within their marriage. Yet, I know it cannot be mine as I am told to accept the state of my life and be contended, because the rights that are yours shouldn’t be mine, because perhaps I’m not good enough for it.

It hurts, Pastor Khong. It hurts when I continue to reach out to others to help them but when I extend a hand for help, my hand is pushed away. It hurts when I see families go out together in gatherings, when they laugh and enjoy their time together as a whole family and I continue to be on my own, single and silent, wishing that I can have the joy that they can but knowing that I should not want it.

It hurts, Pastor Khong. And it’s painful. I’ve lived with this for a huge part of my life. Should I go on living the rest of my life in pain and anguish? I don’t have an agenda, Pastor Khong. I only want to live a peaceful life with someone that I can be committed in love with.

Which is why it hurts and sadden me when you say that I should, “rise above (my) own personal need and do not be party to this insidious conspiracy.” Pastor Khong, to me, this is not a conspiracy. This is real to me. I am gay and as much as you see it differently, this is my life. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s my life, a life that I’m trying to make do with, because this is what has been given to me, just like yours has been given to yours.

You had said that, “Singapore society has given you space to live your lives, earn a living, and contribute to society—without discrimination or harassment.” Pastor Khong, I’ve lived with discrimination for a large part of my life. This is real. I’ve been hurt and harassed. I’ve been called names. I’ve been booed and jeered off stage and I had to learn the pieces up many times in my life. Pastor Khong, the discrimination is real. The hurt is real. There is discrimination. I’m not asking you to be nice to me. All I’m asking is to allow me to live my life, to be able to hold up my head high with respect and not to have to walk in fear and in sadness, because of how battered I have to feel when my dignity is taken away from me.

You say that, “we will not let LGBTs set the tone for society.” Who will then speak up for me? Who will then allow me to live my life? Where do I belong in this society then, if I do not find a way to let others, like you, know that all I’m hoping for is to live my life, to be my own person and to be someone that I can be proud of, like you are of yourself. That is all, Pastor Khong.

I want to be able to live my life.

Dear Pastor Lawrence Khong,

When I read the statement that you had made at the Faith Community Baptist Church, where ESM Goh Chok Tong was your guest, I have to admit that I was initially upset, and even infuriated.

But then, I read through your statement carefully and I heard what you had wanted to say. I just want to let you know that we think the same. 

You had said that:

1. One, we believe that the building of Singapore is an exciting enterprise.
2. Two, we feel passionately that Singapore is a place worth fighting for!
3. Three, we want to create a Singapore we are all proud of.

I think many Singaporeans will agree with that, whether we are straight or gay, Christian or not, etc. Like you:

1. I believe in creating a Singapore which is equal, where our poor and elderly are able to have better livelihoods. Like you, I believe in building a Singapore together, where we can bring Singapore into the next stage.
2. Like you, I feel passionately about Singapore and I want to do my part to fight for Singapore, and Singaporeans.
3. Like you, I want to create a Singapore that we can all be proud of.

You see, we are very similar, Pastor Khong.

You had also said that, “Examples from around the world have shown that the repeal of similar laws have led to negative social changes, especially the breakdown of the family as a basic building block and foundation of the society. It takes away the rights of parents over what their children are taught in schools, especially sex education. It attacks religious freedom and eventually denies free speech to those who, because of their moral convictions, uphold a different view from that championed by increasingly aggressive homosexual activists. We love our nation. We sincerely pray for and look to the Government to provide moral leadership in preserving this basic building block and foundation of our society. And with that, to robustly protect our constitutional rights to free speech and religious liberty; so as to ensure that social cohesion and religious harmony are maintained in Singapore.”

Dear Pastor Khong, I would just like to highlight some phrases that you had made in the paragraph:

1. It takes away the rights of parents over what their children are taught in schools, especially sex education.
   
2. It attacks religious freedom and eventually denies free speech to those who, because of their moral convictions, uphold a different view from that championed by increasingly aggressive homosexual activists.
3. We sincerely pray for and look to the Government to provide moral leadership in preserving this basic building block and foundation of our society.
4. And with that, to robustly protect our constitutional rights to free speech and religious liberty; so as to ensure that social cohesion and religious harmony are maintained in Singapore.

Again, we have the same views on these issues, or rather, we have the same motivations. 

1. You see, like you, I am also worried that we take away the rights of parents over what their children should be taught in school. I am also worried that the rights of our children will be taken away. There has been research that has shown that if we educate children on sexuality issues when they are young, and even before puberty, the likelihood of them engaging in premarital sex is lower and the likelihood of them delaying their age of sexual debut is higher. So, you see, we think the same. Also, if we educate them openly on sexuality issues, they will be more informed about what sexuality is and will make a choice that they will learn to respect of themselves.
2. Like you, I am also worried that my freedom of speech will be denied, because of the views I hold about who I am, which is different from what others think about me. Like you, I only want to live my life and be able to have myself heard, so that I can continue to live a life that I can respect and continue to journey in. Our wants are not that different, and are in fact, the same.
3. Like you, I constantly hope that the government will be bold, and do what is right – to protect the rights of all people in Singapore, and to ensure that everyone is free from discrimination. Like you, I believe we need to preserve the basic building block of our society – to protect the individual, and give him or her the space and freedom to grow and nurture as a healthy, happy individual.
4. Like you, I believe that we need to “robustly protect our constitutional rights to free speech and religious liberty”, and precisely “to ensure that social cohesion and religious harmony”. And what I have learnt is this – when we engage in intellectual and thorough discussions about issues, such as this, that matter, we will be able to have a clearer and more empathetic understanding towards one another. We will learn to show compassion and love towards another, and embrace their being, regardless of who they are.

Dear Pastor Khong, we have very similar ideals and motivations. In fact, many Singaporeans do. I respect and admire that you are driven by such motivations, because you want to do good and achieve goodness in Singapore and this is truly and indeed admirable. 

Pastor Khong, I’ve also learnt to understand this:

1. All of us have different understandings and ideas about what life should be. To you, being gay might not be appropriate, and I understand why you would think so, for you are not gay. But I am gay, and to me, I live my life as a gay person everyday. In fact, being gay is just a small part of me. I continue to want to do things that can help improve the rights of others, and I continue to speak up for what I believe in. And like you, I want to take a stand in what I believe passionately and am committed to fight and protect for. We might come from different vantage points in life, but who is to say that either one of us is right or wrong? For, how can I say that you are wrong, when I have not lived the life you have and understood the learning that you experience. And how would you be able to say that I am wrong, if you have not had the chance to live my life, or even understand the struggles that I had to go through to become the stronger and happier person that I am now. We do not understand each other, or have an appreciation of each other’s life – not yet, at least. So, I understand why you would find it challenging to understand the life that I live and go through.
2. I understand when you say you want to be free because that is essentially what everyone wants – to live a life as true as they can, to believe in themselves and live a life that they are meant to lead, and to serve god. I think the same. I might not call him god in the same way that you call him, but isn’t living our lives a calling that all of us believe in and aspire to do our best in? I believe in freeing people and I believe in helping them see the truth. I know this is what you want as well. How I do this is by sharing with others more about my life, about what I go through and I reach out to others to raise the awareness among them of the lives of gay individuals, like me. I hope that by doing so, that they will learn to understand what I go through, to empathise with me, and eventually to accept me for who I am.
3. But I have learnt that even if people choose not to accept me, it’s fine, because it’s a journey towards understanding that all of us go through. Does it matter that people accept? It doesn’t, because just as it would take time to understand the lives of someone who has cancer, or someone who has to live in a small hut in a place of poverty, I cannot expect someone to imagine how it is like for me to be gay, not having lived the past 31 years of my life, and the discrimination, hurt and struggles that I had to go through, and how I had to eventually learnt to love myself, and be stronger, so that I can continue living a life that I can be proud of. Like you, Pastor Khong, I just want to live a life that I can be proud of, for myself. 
4. Sometimes, it still saddens me to know that there are others who wish that I should not be allowed a right to live my life. And like I say, I understand why. I’ve learnt too that when people take issues against me, it’s because they haven’t had a chance to get to know me and to interact with me. They haven’t had a chance to realise that other than being gay – and I have stopped allowing myself to be defined by my being gay – I am really someone just like anyone else, who wants to do good, contribute to society, share what I have with others, help others learn, raise awareness and someone who wants to continue to learn and to grow, and to fulfil my potential as a human person. That’s all I want, and I really hope that people can see that. 

Dear Pastor Khong, I guess eventually, everyone of us comes from different vantage points. We live different lives but sometimes we share similar experiences. What is it that splits us, but all the same, what is it that bind us? As much as we might be uncomfortable, it might or might not god’s plan that there is diversity in this world and we live in a world where there are straight and gay people, where there are people with different physical and intellectual functionalities and where we look, think, believe and behave different. But yet we are all different and all the same at the same time. People can choose to look at the differences and choose to draw us apart, or we can choose to see the similarities that we have and learn to embrace one another. I can see the similarities that you and I have, and so can many of us.

Let’s not let the fears that we have used to guide us and to protect us prevent us from truly seeing beyond these fears, to see the possibilities that bind us. I will be willing to learn from you, and to know more about your perspectives, if you would as well allow me to enter into your life and share in the opportunity to learn more about one another. I envision and endeavour a day when we will be able to embrace each other’s differences, acknowledge the beauty and diversity of them and live in the harmony that we both envision and desire. 

Minister for Foreign Affairs, Minister for Law K Shanmugam had “recently met up with some activists from Sayoni, a Singapore-based platform for lesbian, bisexual and transsexual Asian women.” He said that he had “found the discussion useful” and posted the link of Sayoni’s blog of their discussion on his Facebook page.

A discussion had ensued on his Facebook page. I had commented on the page and decided to post it on this blog:

*****

Hi guys,

This is coming from a personal perspective. I am gay.

I have come to realise that whether a person would be accepting towards someone who is gay – this is a very personal journey that a person goes through. I am disappointed when people would discriminate against me, but I have understood that I am in no position to judge their journeys. If I do not believe that they should judge mine, who am I to judge their journeys? Is it fair?

People have asked me the exact same questions that are being asked here. If we give gay people rights, this will be society’s demise because there will be more and more gay people, and we won’t have any more babies. What research has shown is that in any society, there is less than 10%, or even 5%, of any population which is exclusively gay. Gay people cannot take over the planet. If so, our world won’t be undergoing overpopulation and the exhaustion of resources at this current point in time. The world’s population has grown and exploded since Industrialisation. If we could have prevented births, the population would have been decimated long ago and we wouldn’t be having this conversation on Facebook – which by the way, one of the founders is gay.

But of course, we might then say, but there weren’t so many people who were gay in the past. But do you know that homosexuality was prevalent and widely accepted in the most part of humanity’s history, except in recent time. I quote a report from China Daily: “While translating British psychologist Havelock Ellis’ groundbreaking Psychology of Sex in the 1930s, Pan was inspired to search through historical documents for credible clues of the existence of homosexuality throughout Chinese history.And he found plenty.”

But enough of the intellectual discourse. If you look at the fundamental reason as to why people discriminate, it has very little to do with the person they discriminate. Many times, we have to ask ourselves – when we are uncomfortable with someone else, why? And if we look deep enough, we realise that it’s because of our own fears or our own thinking that we might not be good enough, or am unable to match up, and that’s why we externalise our fears onto someone else.

Throughout history, we have seen many groups of people who were prosecuted. In the past, women weren’t treated as equal beings. Women were not allowed rights to vote. They were even considered as ‘property’ of men. Even in Singapore at present time, women are not paid equal wages, and find it difficult to be promoted to leadership roles. Among the blacks,they had a long hard fight before they were given back their rights in the 1960s onwards. Even among singles, people frowned on singles for a long time, before they realised that we had to respect the lifestyles of singles. Why is it that even now, single mothers who give birth are not given maternity benefits by the government?

You see, challenges that people face will always happen in society, because we allow some people’s beliefs to override others. Eventually, the fundamental question is this – should we be protecting the rights of individuals, or should we be marginalising the rights of others? We haven’t had an open enough debate about this issue. Because if we do, we can reshape the discourse in the law and how laws are made. But are we intellectually prepared to do this? For this means, we have to think beyond ourselves, to think intellectually, and to have the broadness of mind to empathise and see into the lives of others.

If you are a woman, a single person, a person of a race considered to be a minority, a disabled person, a person who has had to face discrimination of some form of another, I ask of you – what do you think of the discrimination that gay people face? Can you identify with it? The reason why I stop looking at people in terms of gender, colour, etc is precisely because of this – I understand how it feels to be discriminated and I have come to understand that sometimes, people discriminate because they don’t understand. They don’t understand who I am and what my life is like, and before they understand, they might judge and create their own ideas to judge me. But many times now, when someone finally gets to know me, things change. They learn to accept and embrace me for who I am. This is what I know and what I have seen.

I have learnt to empathise with the discrimination that others face and I know, that this isn’t an issue about homosexuality. It is after all, an issue about learning, understanding and finally accepting, if we can get to that stage.

I welcome anyone who would like to get to know me better so that you can come and understand that I am someone who wants to do good for society, and someone who cares as well. I care deeply about the issues about our country. I might be gay but it no longer features as a predominant feature in my life.

Ironically, I no longer think being gay is something I need to shout about, but it is the people who discriminate against me, who make it their issue to do so. But why should it even be an issue to anyone when it’s no longer one to me? I want to live my life, to help others, and like anyone else, to continue to be happy and to live a life that I can be happy with for myself.

Roy