My Fellow Singaporeans: I am Roy. I am Gay and This is My Story

Hi, I am Roy. I am gay and this is my story.

When I was in Primary 5, my form teacher had made me the class chairperson. He felt that I had the maturity and responsibility to represent the class. In Primary 6, I was given the Model Student of the Year award. This continued in my later school years, where in Secondary 1, I was made the class chairperson, before becoming a student councillor, and also in my junior college years, when I was made the class representative, and representatives of most subjects that I had undertaken. Things weren’t always rosy. Learning to be responsible was based on trial and error. It was also a journey to understand myself, to understand what was right and wrong and what I should do, in a position of responsibility. But so is life.

In Primary 5, there was a Malay girl and an Indian girl who had kept to themselves. The class was made up of largely Chinese students and because they were more comfortable speaking in Mandarin, they had formed cliques among themselves, mostly. I decided to make friends with the Malay and Indian girls, partly because I never felt myself as belonging to cliques, and they also seemed like friendly people. When I was in reservist a few weeks ago, there was this Indian guy who was in the same vocation as some of us but when we had gone for a firing range, he had kept silent mostly. Most of the other guys were simply more comfortable speaking in Mandarin because of their background. So, I thought that I would start making conversations with him, since if it was me, I would like to be able to speak to someone for the hours that we were going to be there. It turned out that he was a funny and smart guy and we had engaging conversations. Some other people also began having conversations with him because he was interesting to talk to! In my current group of close friends, two of my closest friends are Malay. I do not seek out specifically to make friends of any ethnicity but if it so happens that I hit it off well with anybody, I would be grateful for the opportunity to establish closer relationships with them.

I had generally done quite well in school. Academically, I was top in Geography, English Literature and Art in some of my secondary and junior college years and had won awards. I was also on the Dean’s List for one semester when I had studied in the National University of Singapore. (I do not mean to bring this up because I am proud of my academic achievements and want to highlight them – no. What I want is to share with you the different facets of my life, so please understand it in this way.)

I wasn’t really an athlete though. I know some gay guys are. But I am not. I am bad with balls, period. Not all balls of course. I was good with the shuttlecock. But that’s because mom had also represented her school in badminton and she taught us how to play it well – at least then! So yes, I am generally terrible with most balls and I am relatively OK with the shuttlecock, thank god.

When I was in national service, I was what you would describe as being “garang”. I was always one of the first to do things or to volunteer, if it was within my capability. See, I had believed that if we could do things fast, and if we could help each other along, we could get things done quicker and we could move things along faster. During my NSF days, I could even manage gold for IPPT and finished the Standard Obstacle Course in about 8 minutes. For the most part, I don’t believe in the regimentation that the army had enforced though, because forced discipline takes the autonomy out of people and it has been shown in numerous research that when people do not have the autonomy to do things according to their own will, they would have lesser commitments and ownership over what they do, and the standards would necessarily be lowered. But of course, with autonomy comes responsibility, and if we want to be given the trust to handle things, we would need to be aware of this responsibility and exercise it wisely.

I told my family that I am gay at various stages in my life. I had told 3 of my closest friends that I am gay when I was 15, and then I had decided to tell my sister as well, who was older and whom I was close to. She started telling me of many of her gay friends, who appeared out of nowhere, and how they had decidedly turned straight all of a sudden. I told my mom when I was 20. When she realised the meaning of what I had said, she cried and went into “denial” for many years. I told my younger sister that I was gay when in my early twenties. She never did speak to me about it in the initial years after I told her. I never did tell my dad but I had brought my boyfriends home before, and he has seen me surf gay social networking websites and go on mobile phone applications.

Before I had told my family that I was gay, I thought that we were the model family. We had relatively good relationships and we would talk about issues and come out with solutions together. But after I told them that I am gay, we grew apart. They didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I was gay and I resented them for not being able to deal with it. Gradually, I stopped feeling close to them and reduced the amount of conversations that I had with them. I wanted to move out of the house. On hindsight, I realised that they needed their time and space to deal with the information that I had presented to them. No one had spoken to them about what being gay is like, and what they knew about being gay was from what they had heard or seen in the media – it was portrayed negatively and as something to be judged. Because I had rejected them as well, I did not share with them more about my life and had allowed them to also adopt these media-influenced stereotypical views about me.

The turning point came when my older sister got married a few years ago. I was so touched and happy for her. Slowly, my defences towards my family came down and I started reaching out to them again. In my eagerness to want to be accepted, I had forgotten that they, as well as I, needed our time and space to learn more about one another and to grow with one another in this journey. Only during then was I able to realise this and could start allowing myself to open up to them again. I learnt to respect that they have their journeys to understanding, just as I had mine, and we need to learn to respect one another for that. Gradually, my sisters learnt and understood that I am still a respectable person, who happens to be gay, and who still believes in love, commitment and a long term partnership with someone whom I can be with for a long time. My mother started speaking to me about boys. Sometimes she would continue to be in a state of denial but sometimes she would surprise me with her words of advice. I had asked her once about why I had to go out with guys with which nothing would work out thereafter. She advised that perhaps that was how I could then learn to find out more about what I want in my partner – by meeting these men to learn more, and she was right. Dad and I never discussed about my being gay, but I know he is OK because he had once mentioned that no matter which partner that we choose to eventually be with, what matters is that we are happy. And dad has learnt to respect and trust me for what I know and understand.

During the few years when I was upset with my family, I had also undergone a period of learning for myself. In my late teens and early twenties, I have met, dated and gotten involved with many men. Some of them came into my life for a few weeks or a month and then disappeared from my life. I didn’t understand why and blamed myself for it. I thought that I wasn’t good enough. I felt that there had to be something about me which people found not worthy. Because of the low self worth that I had for myself, I started rejecting other people in the same way that I was rejected. For many years, I knew that I had low self esteem, and I knew that I needed to learn to become stronger and more confident of myself. But I didn’t know how to. I thought that if I could find someone else to love me that this person could help me become more confident and that I could learn to love myself more. Of course this didn’t happen because when they say you need to love yourself before you could love someone, it is true. Because of my low self esteem, I would bring my insecurities into relationships that I was in. I would start being distrustful and judgmental towards my partners because I felt that I wasn’t good enough and would come out with reasons to think that they would want to leave me for someone else.

See, first of all, I didn’t know how to manage relationships. I didn’t have any relationship to look to or learn from. I wasn’t taught in school how to manage relationships or handle sexual relations. As a society, we choose to be embarrassed about the very thing that we spring out from. The sad thing is that as teenagers, we go through the same concerns that our youths have – when should I have sex, should I have sex, what should I do if my partner wants sex, how should I insist on condom use if my partner doesn’t want to use a condom, and so on. As teenagers, we think about these things but when we become parents, we choose to forget about these and we choose to allow our youths to be put in harm’s way because we have issues dealing with our own beliefs about sex. We become selfish. We think we have to conform to certain norms – society says we cannot talk about sex and we shouldn’t. My religion says I should not encourage discussion about sex and even if I know that in my youth, I would need information on sexuality issues, I will deny the right of youths to have that because my religion says so. We think we know better, but truth is, we have become influenced by others and we speak what others speak, and what authority speaks because we want to belong and be part of a group. We are scared of being different, sidelined – to become an outcast. And then we start discriminating. Against other ethnicities  nationalities, the elderly etc. It becomes a chronic societal issue.

In the past few years, I have embarked on a journey to learn and discover more about myself. Along the way, I’ve read more than 100 books to learn how to love myself, to strengthen my self belief and become a more confident person. Now I know that I need to believe in myself and my own worth. I will insist on using condoms because I know that I need to protect my own health. Over the past few years, I have tried to be less judgmental and to be more empathetic. I try to understand the lives and circumstances of others as far as I can so that I wouldn’t judge but would learn to then accept and embrace who others are. I have learnt that if I can be happy and contended, I would not look at others and compare myself with them. I’ve learnt that even if others disagree with me or with what they believe to be me, I need to respect that they should be given the space and time to understand and digest their beliefs and make sense of them. For some people, they don’t think through their beliefs because they choose to wholeheartedly absorb what is told to them, and that’s fine. I have to respect that.

Why am I sharing this story with you, my fellow Singaporeans. I am gay but being gay doesn’t define me. Being gay is only one aspect of me which I am proud of, yes, but it is not something that makes me who I am. It is definitely something that has enriched me. I had to learn to understand why people choose to look at me differently and sometimes, judge me. I had to learn to understand why people are not able to accept me and why they hold the attitudes they hold. It has made me more introspective and more aware, not only of myself, but of others as well, and for the better. I’ve learnt that people judge because they do not know. They see a gay person and that’s all they see. But is it any fault of theirs? Humans process information according to how much they can contain – To understand that a gay person has different aspects to his/her life takes time and most people simply think it’s easier to judge a person as being gay than to understand the person as a whole. And this is why I have decided to share this story. I am like the friend you have, your classmate, neighbour or a family member. And I am gay. Are our lives any different? No. But I am gay, and because of that, you might have certain judgments because you think you should have them, because that’s what others say you should have. I am giving us an opportunity to understand me better.

There are hundreds and thousands of gay men and women in Singapore. Some of them live with low self esteem and self-judgment. Some of them live their lives feeling lesser of themselves because they think that their family or friends are not able to accept them. They are then unable to have fulfilling relationships and lead destructive lives. But this doesn’t have to be. I have learnt to be stronger and to learn to embrace myself. I have learnt to understand the importance of my life and to live it as proudly as I can. And I know my fellow gay friends can as well. But we need your understanding.

What I am asking for is a right to live my life as a person. I seek to live a life where I lead mine, and you lead yours, and we learn to understand and respect one another and our spaces. What I am asking for is not for the right to love to be returned to be but for the right for me to love to be reinstated back in the law, for the law to not make me a lesser human being. Whether people accept me or not, I will lead my life proudly because I am assured of myself. But I hope that they do because as a whole, we can make this world a better place. Truly, we can.

I am writing this because I care for the people around me and I want them to lead happier, fulfilling lives.

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268 thoughts on “My Fellow Singaporeans: I am Roy. I am Gay and This is My Story

  1. Pingback: confessions | doodle muse

  2. Pingback: My Fellow Singaporeans: I am Roy. I am Gay and This is My Story | thefleshycore

  3. Clement says:

    Straight as arrow, but I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think Gay rights should exist.
    Simply because it should be something under human rights to begin with – The freedom of choice.

    Kudos of writing this article. Stay strong.

  4. gyleow says:

    Hello Roy,
    I hardly ever leave comments on blogs that I randomly visited but I really felt the urge to leave a comment this time round. First and foremost, I have to say I am amazed by your writing flair in touching a topic that is probably shunned by many others. I am happy for you that your family have becoming more accepting towards your situation. By situation, I don’t meant it to be negative, I just felt that it must have be tough during that period that you are struggling to seek acceptance from them. I really hope that if you ever meet someone you deemed worth fighting for in the near future, please do not ever give up! Head to somewhere (America probably) that have more open views with legalized same sex marriages. For I doubt Singapore would ever allow same sex marriages, judging from conservative views by the majority on it? Not trying to sound negative but our country is not making remarkable progress and and and we are further denied the right to stage public protests. Take little notice of ignorant views on homosexual made by people, these views will always be lingering around and it will sure sting hard!

    Anyway, no one should be kept away from their right to pursue happiness. I wish you all the best and may you find the love of your life soon!!!! ❤

    • Hi gyleow,

      Thank you for this. It is sweet 🙂 You know, I actually don’t usually leave comments as well because of how much I would start writing! Thus I am quite amazed by the number of comments there are here – I think it helps that many people do sincerely want to share their thoughts, as I have, so that we can have a genuine appreciation of one another and one another’s viewpoints. In some way, because the conversation and discussion here have been so respectful I do hope that more people get to see the discussion, because of the impact that it can have on many of us to want to come to a common understanding of one another, or at least of one another’s journey.

      Thanks for your well-wishes too. One day, I might still be able to get married in Singapore though – maybe a small ceremony with my closest family and friends by the beach 🙂 It won’t be formally recognised but it would be good enough to have the people whom you care about and who truly care for you, by your side, witnessing the beauty and love you have for one another. That would be beautiful.

      Thank you 🙂

      Roy

  5. CJ says:

    Hi Roy. Thanks for sharing. Seriously, i do not think there’s anything to be proud of for being a gay. But there’s definitely everything for you to be proud of for being yourself!! That being said, i applause for your courage and honesty in sharing your story openly here. Even though i do not see the need for a person to announce to the whole world that he or she is not straight, i do appreciate your sharing in terms of the various emotional stages that you have gone through, which we can never imagine until someone like you took the time and initiative to explain and elaborate. I do not support gay marriage, because i think that will mess up the sequence of human nature. But i have no issue with gays because i would love to respect every single soul as a human, irregardless of their sexual preference. I am glad to read your sharing because it allows me, and many other people, to understand how hard it is to be a gay, and it is not a matter of choice for you. This sharing of yours is meaningful to me. I do see the kind of struggles that you and your family members have been going through. Gay, in characteristic, does not refer to a good or bad person. It is the action and the value of the person that makes the difference. I realised that be it straight or gay, we all face similar problems like relationship and make mistakes along the way. We all need to accumulate experiences and guidance, though yours may be very much different and there are not many examples around to show you how to deal with them. But that does not make you any less worthy at all. In fact, it should make you more worthy than others because you are going through tougher times than others and you will be able to give different views and advises in time of need. As such, my aim of leaving this comment here is to tell you that, i acknowledge your sincerity in sharing your story, and i want you to know that: your worthiness is not determined by your gay personality, but rather it is by how much good you are able to contribute back to the society!!! So, keep it up to be kind-hearted and positive and i wish you all the best in whatever you do!!! Take care! 🙂

    • Hi CJ,

      Thanks for this. Like you said, I’ve learnt to understand that my worthiness is a sum of so many others things that I am, as do any of us.

      I wish, many others would also understand similarly as you do – that was my original intention of my story – to show people that gay people are not the singular entity that people might assume based on what the media has stereotypically portrayed and that we, like any other person, is a sum of all parts of what makes us who we are as humans, as people. And hopefully by doing so, this renewed appreciation and understanding of another will allow us to see one another differently, and come towards more appreciative attitudes towards one another.

      Thanks for this 🙂

      Roy

  6. zera says:

    hai dear the writer, i am zera, and really nice to read your life story, the main point to change everything is started from ourselves, and you did a great thing. if we recieve ourselves it means we love who we are and no matter what people think about our life, we know that nothing wrong with it but worth fight for.

    • Thanks zera,

      It’s true. We need to start believing in ourselves, to love ourselves and believe that we are strong. I started telling myself that I am strong, and gradually, I really became strong.

      Like you said, I have learnt that whatever I believe in, is whoever I am. And I really hope we can do that – to believe in ourselves and do know we are worth it. To be proud of the life that we are given and live it to as true the life we are meant to lead. 🙂

      Roy

  7. hi Roy,

    I am a friend from Philippines, i’v read a lot of blogs on your wall in FB and other WEB pages.. i would like to commend you for being so courageous, for speaking and stand as the VOICE of the mute…. to be the light of those that are in the dark.. and to lead those that are loosing their way.

    I can truly relate myself to you.. and reading your blog makes me feel like i am the one who’s talking in there. it’s like tons of unspoken words from deep within me find it’s way out…. words are not enough, and right now… i’m still stunned bout the realizations that i acquired from it!.. well i’m looking forward to read more of your views/perspective bout different things especially sexuality! may all the odds be with our sides!

    MABUHAY!

    • Dear gian carlo,

      Thanks for this! 🙂 Also, as I speak to many people, I realise that our stories are very similar, and eventually, all of us hope to become stronger, and to live our lives as proudly as we can.

      I am glad you found the story useful! I had written this story because I had hoped that other gay friends will know that you know, whatever I am going through is part of a journey where I will finally learn and grow, and continue to be a better person. I took many years to get here and at some points, I wondered to myself why I had to experience some things.

      So, I wish other gay friends can read this and know that whatever we experience is useful to us, will help us grow and learn and we will only become stronger and better from it all. 🙂

      Thank you!

      Roy

  8. Pingback: My Fellow Singaporeans: I am Roy. I am Gay and This is My Story « You and me on a summer night

  9. Hi Roy,

    I am a fellow Singaporean, and this is really inspiring. Indeed, I think many gays tend to highlight their sexuality as a way to define themselves, and that’s not really helping others to understand that we are just like every other person. Sexual identity defines who we are, but it is only a part of what makes up our identity. I would hate to be labelled solely by who I am attracted to, because I am also a student, a NSman, a geek, a gamer, a son, and (I hope) a good friend.

    • Dear jam,

      Precisely! I like how you put it. 🙂

      But it’s true – I told a group of social workers once as part of a course that I no longer think about me being gay. What I think about is to wanting to learn more about life, so that I can continue to grow as a person.

      Just like how you’ve said it. I told them too that sometimes, we make being gay an issue because we are still trying to learn to accept ourselves, so we keep bringing it up, but once we learn to believe in ourselves, we will embrace who we are and go on in life happily. 🙂

      Thanks for writing this. It will be useful to help others understand as well. 🙂

      Thanks!

      Roy

  10. passsing says:

    Hi, I’m a gay too! I guess every gay in the world has the same thoughts that “oh what if my parents throw me out of the house if i tell them im gay? Etc.

    To my surprise, My relationships with my parents grew stronger than before, when i told them that I’m gay. They started hanging out with me to the gay bar, to the clubs and even drink with me. I must say I’m real lucky to have them. I once asked them ” why wouldnt you throw me out of the house, etc? They said, because we love you and thats who you are. Though they were pretty upset for a few days but then they accepted.

    So no matter what, remember that your family are always the one and will be the one behind you supporting and love you.

    • Hey passsing,

      Your story is really nice. I haven’t even brought my mom to a gay club yet, though sometimes I toy with the idea. I did bring her to ZoukOut! Does that count?

      But that’s true, sometimes we allow our fears to overwhelm us by thinking that people won’t accept but it’s not because they won’t accept but it’s because we haven’t come to terms with ourselves, and so we make stories in our head, thinking that they would have issues. And when we actually tell them, we realise they are cool and it’s us that we need to overcome.

      And truth is, all we need to do is believe in ourselves, and accept and love ourselves. 🙂

      Your story is really cool 🙂 Thanks for sharing passsing. I hope others will find it inspirational too 🙂

      Roy

  11. chestbrah says:

    Everybody, one day will die, and be forgetton. Act and behave in a way that will make life interesting and fun, fuck a mundane predictable life working monday to friday with something you derive no pleasure from; just living life out till you grow old and wither away. Find a passion, form relationships, dont be afraid to get out there and fuck what everyone else thinks, trust me its alot more fun that way.

    Dont ever pay people out or put people down. Instead just put yourself up and let the haters do their thing. Id rather be a person thats hated on, than a person that does the hating. A wise man one said..

    Haters gonna hate!

    • Hi Rick,

      Lol. I am not quite sure how I should answer your question! Lol. Are you asking because you are interested in me? (LOL) 🙂 Or is it a general question because you are curious about how gay relationships work?

      My answer cannot be complete if I don’t explain this a bit further.

      Some people have a tendency to think that gay relationships might need to mirror straight relationships, where there is a predominant male role and a predominant female role. However, gay relationships are not direct parallel of straight relationships, and operate differently, but just as any other relationship does.

      Put simply, even between a man and a woman, there can be what some would term a more “manly” woman in the relationship, who might want to be the “boss”, in that sense. So, similarly, gay relationships does not necessarily have a fixed or strict gender division.

      If you speak to some gay people, they would prefer to have clear male and female roles in their relationship. This would be their preference, among many other reasons.

      Let me make it a bit more complex for you – even if there might be a preference for male or female roles, if I could define here as who takes care of the other, there is also the sexual behaviour. So, someone might be the insertive partner, and someone, the receptive partner. But the insertive and receptive roles do not necessarily mirror the male and female roles and there are many combinations in how they are expressed.

      To put it simply, there isn’t a fixed way that roles are represented. They can occur in many, many ways. Some relationships do not have fixed roles where the roles are interchanging all the time. Some relationships simply do not have roles, as long as two people love each other. And that’s the basis of relationships – love, isn’t it? 🙂

      But, if you ask specifically about me – in the past, as I was growing up, I felt that I would like to have someone take care of me, perhaps because I was young. But as I grew older, I learnt to take care of myself and I became my own person, gradually now, I don’t see a need to define myself in a specific role. So depending on the person I meet, it would then depend on how we make sense of how we want to work things out with one another.

      So, in that sense, gender roles could be just another layer of decisions that we make with our partners, as we learn more about each other and make sense of ourselves with our partner, as do all relationships 🙂

      Roy

  12. Destinee says:

    Thumbs up to you, Roy. I’m a female and I’m a lesbian as well. Reading your post makes me feel better about myself, surprisingly. Thank you for sharing your story. And stay strong, you’re not alone (:

    • Hey Destinee,

      I am glad it made you feel better about yourself. It made me feel better about me too! ;P But you know, I think when we know that there’s someone else who is doing through the same journey – be it whether the person is gay, bi, straight, or anything else – as long as we know we all have this journey with ups and downs which is similar with everyone else, we know we are in this together, and we will make it! 🙂

      Thanks for this 🙂

      Roy

  13. platinumpinkflowers says:

    This is what society needs! Firstly, stating everything clearly, and not hiding. I’m really happy for you, Roy, and I hope you find happiness. Don’t let society define you, be yourself and I’m sure in time they will accept you. BEST OF LUCK DUDE! :))

  14. Kahming says:

    Doing a project regarding issues like this. Not sure are you able to see this comment I have made, but nevertheless, I salute you for being able to stand strong despite of all sorts of problems you face out there.

  15. Brandon says:

    I respect what you wrote and what you are trying to achieve with this article, that people who are inclined towards romantic relationships with the same gender should be treated equally with the straight people and I completely agree on that point.

    However, some people, like me, believe in a certain cause of creation of the different genders. I mean why would we have opposite genders and all that gender specificity if we could just be the same gender and do everything. While I agree that all people should be treated equally whether gay or straight, I think there is a certain cause for 2 genders to be made and I urge you to think carefully about being gay and the reason or reasons that might have turned you gay because I strongly believe that it isn’t a matter of just being born that way.

    I applaude you for your standing up for your rights as a human. Anyone who treats you in a different way from how he/she would treat another person in the same situation is in the wrong for sure. However, I can assure you that there are gays out there in Singapore, who are not just confident, but are over the top in their expressions of their love for men-men relationships be it sexual or not. Especially when it infringes privacy of a straight male whom they like or something like that (check out http://www.fuckyeahdragonboaters.tumblr.com and other gay sites whom posters post pictures taken off facebook), I some of these gays paint a very bad image of the community of gays out there (at least in Singapore). I think gays need to realise also that the majority of the community is straight and gays, even though not a rarity, are uncommon. So gays also need to take a step back and look at it in our point of view. Yes many of our mindsets are pretty fixed on certain things, but I am sure if it is just liking men you are guilty of, many people in Singapore have learnt to deal with these kinds of things and so you do not have to worry.

    I think it goes without saying that while we have to learn to accept that there are gays in society and treat gays the same as straight people, gays also have to learn that certain behaviourism and opinions will inevitably end up weirding people out. So as long as there is that balance between all gays expectations of us and what you intend to do differently, I think gays would not have a problem fitting into society.

  16. Hi Roy,
    You might find my paper “Sex Trilogy” relevant. It is about neuroscience showing us that neural stability is the purpose of sex, not reproduction. Neural stability is the mechanism through which authentic companionship happens. Two brains are moulded into a single unit and function as one.

    That’s why you have that nagging feeling that there’s more to sex than sex.

    All good wishes,

    Ranjan
    13.ranjan@gmail.com

  17. Ashton says:

    Hi Roy’

    thank you for taking your time and sharing a side of your experience to enlighten other people’s heart and understanding’ – to enrich people who are attracted to same sex or not, to have less doubts on themselves, and to see a different way of themselves’ other than what we should be as’ – portrayed by what we’ve seen and treated by society, ‘ that we are no more nor less than we are other than human being ourselves – the very meat on our bones.

    I am a Malaysian, turning 20 today, and yes I am attracted to same sex, and yes, has always been more extracted to same sex ever since I took notice of it =)

    i wish you all the best on your future endeavours,

    i attached a link below as well, – i think it somehow relates to your blog’s content’ and a well written article as well’ !

    – until then!

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/nov/02/gay-marry-man#

  18. Onir says:

    Hello Roy, nice to hear you have totally accepted yourself. I havn’t yet… sometimes i think its whats making me depressed most of the time. Not being able to be yourself, emotionally. Having to hide under thick coat just to stop tongues from wagging. I live in a society that is both open/tolerant and highly critical.. (weird combination but this is the Philippines). Im chinese btw.

    Being like this is something NOT easy for me to be. I am a physician,.. something people look up to as a profession, and yet somehow, i can’t shake the feeling this is a flaw on my part. I know it isn’t but its just how I feel about it. Or better yet, how society views it.
    Sure there are doctors that are gay…openly… but im not like that. I still feel very much a “male” individual. male clothing, gadgets etc.. just don’t expect me to play sports or at least anything with a ball. Although this is how i feel (being closeted) , it hasn’t stopped me from getting into relationships.. currently on my longest one… we’ve been together for over 8 years but nobody really knows much about it. I suspect my sisters and my mother do know about it but we don’t really talk about it and i havn’t really opened up to them. I think i’ll just die if i do that.. I wish the world would be more accepting of gays. Its not like we wished to be born this way… hopefully i’ll live to see the day when nobody just cares what your sexuality is.
    I wish you luck on your journey to a great life. I hope i can face this difficulty too… your courage to face up to societal prejudice is inspiring.

    • Black Heart says:

      Do not hide yourself. I know it is difficult to open out. But this is your life and you have all the rights to make the decision. Be strong. As long as you and your partner love each other, everything is fine. When you open put, this world will talk about you for a day or so, not forever. Do not make your life miserable. Once you have opened out, you will feel the burden is gone. Wish you all the best. 😀

  19. david says:

    I totally understand that bit abt low self esteem and lack of confidence. But I am glad u are actively overcoming it. Occasionally I still feel guilty abt being gay. I am already in my early 40s and have struggled more than half my life. I sincerely wish u happiness.

  20. xdenniskellyx says:

    Being gay is not natural. So it is best for gay to stay celibate for the rest of their natural life. Otherwise people who are born pedophile can also claim that they have a right to live their life because they are born that way. It would not be a proper family life for a human to live as we did for thousand of years. You may a right to live your life anyway you like, but you also have a responsibility to make sure the life that you lead do not upset the natural balance of life. This is my view and hope you also see the other side do the argument and not just your own for your own benefit and desire only and at the expense of others.

    • Jo says:

      It seems to be a pretty selfish comment. This is my view and hope you also see the other side of life. At whose expense has he taken advantage of? I believe he didn’t but you did. For your own selfish desire to see your “natural life” be in balance, you would rather them live in sadness.

      • The selfish people don’t care about what they brought to others only what they feel they have a right to do and then promote that right even though it is unnatural for them to do so. Being able to love is different to being gay. You can say you have a right to love. But actually your desire is not to love another human being. Actually all you wanted is to have sex as a man with another man. Not only that, Roy is hiding that desire by claiming his right to love. Perhaps Roy wanted to hide his guilt that he knows is wrong of him to have sex as a man with another man by saying it is his right to love. You can always love anyone, any animal, any creature or even any object, but you don’t have to have sex with anyone, animal, creature or object just because you want that right to love. If Roy really want to be honest, he should put on his website that he as a man has a right to have sex with another men. Also not just one men but with any men and with as many men as he can desire. That should be Roy true desire. That is what I understand from his website, is it not? If Roy has his way, then should we deny those claiming to be great animal lovers who also want to have sex with their dogs or cats or pets? Shall we also allow them to marry their pets or have sex with them? I think Roy must be honest with himself that it is he who cannot control his desire as a man to have sex with another man, not that he really want to love another man or woman. Roy should think what he should and should not do as a sane and human being. Not just for his own selfish desire that has no place in the natural order or this world.

      • Hi,

        Ahh… Very interesting what you say.

        Have you heard of the saying – what we say and think of others is a reflection of ourselves? 🙂

        Well, I am not you and am not in a position to comment about your sexual understanding of yourself but perhaps, you might want to look at what you had just said – and think about whether it is indeed a reflection of yourself.

        I can’t speak for you, but I can speak for myself – my feelings are all-encompassing towards my partner – it’s a physical, emotional, psychological, and emotional connection that I yearn with another man, as you would another woman, if it seems or may be. 🙂

        Perhaps you would not be able to live my life but if you do, you would understand. But as it is, no man can understand one another, for could you understand another person of another race, gender, age or income level, unless you have lived the life of one and remembers it?

        I’ve learnt that I do not yearn the acceptance of others but the acceptance of myself. When I’ve learnt to accept who I am, I’ve learnt to be true to myself, and as it is, I’ve learnt to be happy.

        Isn’t it that we should all reflect and think about why we say things of others, and what it really means to what we feel about ourselves? 🙂

        Roy

      • Hi Roy,

        I am very happy to answer you to define what is unnatural in your gay tendencies. Being gay is unnatural because all you wanted is homosexual sex. That is unnatural because it is just a mean that has no end. That is to say, you just want to have sex as a man with another man. You have no love for anyone except just for yourself to have that unnatural sexual experience with another man. You cannot conceive any offspring with your sexual behavior, nor help your partner who would also be male to conceive as well. Nor can you and your partner can bring up another child up properly nor explain to them how they should bring up the next generation. If you as a man does marry with another man, if law permit, how are you going to have a proper family with 2 males in a household? Who will take take care of you in your old children? Where you children going to come from? You going to adopt or have artificial test tube baby using surrogate female mother? If test tube baby were not discovered, would it mean you would not have next generation? Therefore as you can see, being gay is not natural as you need to either have no function as a family nor can you be independently free of hextosexual function in order to have a proper family or be productive member of the society. There are also many other reasons that being gay is being unnatural but the family reason is just one of it. Roy, please be honest with yourself that you know that you being gay is unnatural. You just want to be gay so that you can have the lustful and unnatural desire as a man to have sex with another man and nothing more. Be honest and say it. Don’t say that society or anyone else is preventing you from being able to love another human being. BE HONEST.

      • Hi,

        Thank you 🙂

        I am who I am. I cannot change what has been given me.

        But I can change my understanding towards others. With the discrimination and judgment that I have felt from what others might give to me, because they do not understand simply because they don’t live my life, I’ve also learnt how others might have to go through the hurt as someone who might also be similarly discriminated.

        For is it not that as a Chinese gay man, that I won’t be able to understand what it is like to be white, Black, Malay, Indian, or a woman or straight, or a Christian, or Muslim. Yet, who am I to judge their beliefs and their thoughts. And who am I to assume things about their lives and experiences, which I do not know keenly about because I am not them, as they are not I.

        I am in no position to comment about their lives or your life, but I can choose to understand their lives and your life, and show the empathy. I can choose to understand that all of us live lives which we are trying our best to, to make the best of it.

        And it I am understand how they will feel similarly judged, I would be able to understand how I should give them the compassion and love, and if I can understand why sometimes we would then judge others because of how we might be judged, I should also show the patience to understand the judgment of others and to forgive them.

        For is it not that we show to others what we receive, sometimes out of anger, angst and vengeance? But yet, if we were to learn to find peace within that we would learn to let go of judgment, learn to love and embrace the kindness and the truth of others.

        Like you, I aim to live a life that is true to myself and connected to myself. Like you, I’m learning to live a better life. Yet, aren’t we all trying to do the same in this world? Yet, if we learn to show more kindness and understanding to another, we would be able to live better lives with one another together.

        Thank you

        Roy

      • Roy,

        Your reply again is very dishonest. You are still hiding behind your suffering which is not there if you just choose otherwise or be celibate. You still want that desire to have that unnatural homosexual sex with another man ignoring the fact that promoting such desire would bring down family values and destroy the society as it should be for the past thousand of years.

      • Hi Dennis,
        The reproductive fallacy is the superstition that the purpose of sex is reproduction. It is the neurological equivalent of the flat Earth theory. Though humans believed in a flat earth for millennia, science has proved them wrong. Socio-biology (see Edward Wilson in ‘On Human Nature’) and Neuroscience (see Thomas Lewis in ‘A General Theory of Love’) have similarly overturned millennia of belief about sex. These two scientific disciplines have validated that reproduction is NOT, repeat not, the PURPOSE of sex. That honour goes to neural stability.

        Clearly you subscribe to that outdated and erroneous belief. In this you contribute to child abuse and child-molestation. In my eyes that makes you a pervert, my dear chap. Science validates that you subscribe to an unnatural belief that goes against the order of nature. We need to protect children from the like of those thinking like you because children are dying as a result of that thinking. The highest rates of suicide (and bullying) are in respect of gays and lesbians or those perceived to be so by their peers.

        May I suggest you get with the programme and update your knowledge base? The reality is so much more fascinating than the old subjection to the reproductive fallacy. Listen to what neuroscience validates. BROADCASTS (In “Social Intelligence” Daniel Goldman called these broadcasts ‘neural wi fi’) from your partner’s brain delete you subdominant neural pathways and replace them with his or her dominant neural pathways. You do the same to his (gay) or hers(strait). Then the two brains function as a single unit. That is neural stability. The only requirement for this to happen is authentic intimacy; you must love your partner enough to let him or her see who you really are, warts and all. In other words, let your partner see into the privacy of your heart, not just the private parts of your body. That is a terrifying prospect. So most people duck the issue.

        May you find the courage to allow for authentic intimacy

        Cheers,

        Ranjan

      • I agreed that the sole purpose of sex is not just reproduction. However homosexual sex is simply unnatural desire for desire only. Again there is nothing wrong about the person right to want to do that. But please state so in your website and not say to have the right to love. It is actually to want to have unnatural homosexual sex without having the need to control oneself. No need to go such a scientific extend to give yourself an excuse to want to have homosexual sex as there are also many similar and ver scientific reasons and findings that homosexual are lifestyle choice, not really born with it. Don’t hide behind scientific excuses that are not there as there are also many scientific reasons that gays choose to be gay and then present themselves as victims in the process. Again, be honest with yourself.

      • You have not understood a word of what I wrote. If you want to stay determinedly a flat earther, that’s your choice. But it leaves you a child-molester and child-abuser. In a just society the law would protect children from your kind and your unnatural thinking. You are in denial (look that up) about what is natural and unnatural and your programming to the reproductive fallacy make your brain unable to engage with fact.
        Just remember this: it is bigotry not empirical to maintain that homosexual desire is unnatural. There are gay octopi, elephants, birds and a huge number of other species (See ‘Biological Exuberance’). That makes you ‘unnatural’ not them. Look up what bigotry means. I’m not using science as an excuse, you are using your own ‘programming’ (bigotry) to call gay sex unnatural. There is no empirical evidence to support your view. Just your bigotry and your notion that society supports you in this bigotry. That support is not empirical it is because society is still a sexual ‘flat earther’! That’s tyranny of the majority.

        I wish one day you will grow up.

        Cheers,

        Ranjan

  21. Black Heart says:

    It does not matter if you are a gay or lesbian. As long as you are happy and at the end of the day there is support for you. I would like to recommend a movie to you. “eCupid” Its a gay movie, but its shows how much love you have for one another. May GOD bless you and may you find your true love soon. 🙂

    • Hi Tan,

      Thanks for your links. Though I’ve read links which read differently and who opt to say that being gay is natural.

      What ought I believe if there are so many links which point to so many “truths”. What then is the truth, but only our subjective influences and interpretations?

      🙂

      Yet, what is the truth and what is correct, if we could all learn to respect another and show empathy to the other? Or would it be to believe in our righteousness and to hope that all of humanity would follow in our ideas of righteousness?

      Yet, what is right, if it’s based on our subjective experiences. And what is truth is what we believe is the truth is yet something else by another? 🙂

      What is the correct way? What is truth? Is it the want of others to live similar lives or to stay connected within oneself, without hurt of others?

      Roy

  22. I see your reply to Tan’s link that there are many truths in being gay or not. I think that is not the questions. The real question is are you wanting to have homosexual sex with another man? Yes or no? That is all. Are you saying you cannot control yourself to not having homosexual sex with another man? Please say that.

    • Hi xdenniskellyx.wordpress.com,

      🙂

      I will allow you to think what you would would, for we take very different stances on this issue 🙂

      Basically, it stems from us being in different bodies, living in different lives and thus having different worldviews.

      Of course, can we find a commonality in our perspectives? Our belief stems from being true to ourselves and being honest and I think that’s what we want for one another and for ourselves.

      I think as long as we continue to seek the truth and alignment to ourselves, we would continue to do better as people.

      And I believe the both of us will continue in our quest for the truth and an honesty to ourselves. 🙂

      Roy

  23. I see that Roy got you to come up with a very lame excuse that because some animals did it, so it is natural for human to do it too. I don’t understand that gay people like you could compare themselves as animals. Do you know that many animals would also have sexual inter course with their offspring in order to reproduce themselves. So is that also natural for human to follow too. Are you saying that you can also have sex with your own children or parent to produce children too? Have you chosen to be gay because animals showed you it is alright to be so? You are making gays look more like stupid or sick people that need immediate medical attention. In any case, my present contention with Roy is to get him to come out if his hidden agenda to state that he wanted homosexual sex with man and not that he want the right to love, since no one is stopping him on that. He should state that he wanted homosexual sex with other man instead of wanting the right to love. You should be the right homosexual partner for Roy and if you can satisfy him, he would not have lack that anymore.

    • Hi,

      I am re-posting my comment:

      https://myrighttolove.com/2013/01/19/pastor-khong-i-only-want-to-be-able-to-live-my-life/

      Hi xdenniskellyx,

      It was two centuries ago when slaves were still seen as non-humans. It was a few decades ago where women were seen as lesser than men and did not even own their marriage. Women were seen as property of men and didn’t have their rights or even vote.

      It was only a few decades ago when Blacks were finally respected as fellow human beings, where Blacks could be recognized in equal marriages. During World War Two, millions of Jews were prosecuted simply for having different religious beliefs. And today, Muslims feel misunderstood as well.

      Around the world, there continues to be discrimination heaped against others, simply because of some of us who feel that we are better than others.

      The natural philosophy of humankind, unfortunately, has been one of self protection – as long as we feel vulnerable, we will continue to subjugate the rights of others, this be it from my perspective or from yours. Yet again, who is to say what is right?

      But decades on, your children, our children, we would live in a different world, as the women of fore and Blacks or fore, and of Jews of fore who had, who had suffered under misunderstandings to one day, be understood as individuals who simply want to be respected as people. Don’t we all?

      Do I yearn for acceptance? I do, for I hope to be respected. Yet, don’t we all. Though it seems that it’s a zero-sum game, that if I gain my acceptance that it seems like you will lose yours. But life isn’t a zero-sum game. If I gain mine, you will continue to have yours. And so will I. We will all be better off together. The history of the civil rights movement for women and people of different colours have shown this. One day, humanity will be better off when we are able to live together, where we would be able to look beyond our own wants to identify and unite with the human condition – whether we are man, woman, black, white, Chinese, Malay, Indian, any other colour, young, old, gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, disabled or abled.

      One day, we will look back at this page and wondered why we had to go through this struggle, you against me, me against you or us against one another. But why? For we continue to feel vulnerable and insecure. Though within it all, is an acceptance. For when when we find acceptance of ourselves, we will learn to accept one another – and this is for everyone.

      I will continue to live my life and hold my head up high. I will continue to love who I love because this is my life. In this time and era, I might be judged and discriminated. But that is my life to live. For one day, the struggles that I and we go through will only enrich our children in magnitudes many times our understandings.

      Meanwhile, we would continue with decades of struggle, before we learn to respect one another again, as women had to, as blacks had to, as all of people have to.

      We are here in life, to learn to be one. Yet before we achieve oneness, we will need to learn differences, judgment and one day, unify with the human condition – you and I.

      But for now, we will continue in our exchanges for only through this will our knowledge and understanding be exchanged, enriched and enhanced on. And one day, we will learn.

      Roy

      • Good for you Roy.
        This guy Dennis is a fine example of the old adage: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. He is impervious to data. Just stuck in his social conditioning that he is right. Sad.

        All good wishes to you,

        Ranjan

      • Hi Ranjan,

        Thank you for commenting.

        Thank you for the support as well. I do, now and then, feel alone. But it’s times like this when we feel solidarity.

        Thank you

        Roy

  24. You yourself use some stupid example of some weird animal behavior to justify your own himosexyal behavior. And you said I need an eduction in that topic? You make your own kind of gay people look so stupid and weird with your silly comparison with animals and you blame me for my comments and ask me go have an eduction in that topic? Are you so engrossed with your own homosexual behavior that you would stoop to any example in order to satisfy your homosexual behavior? In any case, I just wanted Roy to come out of his hidden agenda that he want homosexual sex with men and not that he wanted the right to live which no one is denying him that. Be honest.

  25. I did not challenge your right to have homosexual sex with Roy. Just say so that is the real intention in your website that you want the right to have homosexual sex with men. Not that you want the right to love which no one is stopping you from that. I am simply asking you and Roy to be honest with yourselves as you come out of the closet. Don’t play yourselves as the victims here. No one is discriminating against you, so why afraid and hide behind the right to love?

  26. Roy,

    I don’t know why you felt alone on this path? Are you saying you are the only gay here in this country? You chose this path as your life style, you should be honest with yourself. If you are honest and state that you are gay and look for homosexual relationship and same sex with other men, I can assure you would not be alone as those sharing the same homosexual desire as you would come to you. No need to act the victim pity party as that would only isolate you further from your own gay community here. Be honest and state you want homosexual sex with other men. Don’t hide from it by saying you want the right to love as no one is stopping you from it. Again be honest with yourself and your readers.

  27. Some things need to clarified for the purpose of rational discussion here:

    1) The only reason why people bring up the myriad examples of animals that engage in homosexual relations is NOT because we want to be more like animals or copy them! The reason for bringing them up is to challenge outdated beliefs and assumptions of what is “natural or unnatural”. If it were really unnatural, then why on earth do we observe it happening throughout the natural world? If animals in nature practise homosexuality so pervasively, then it is errant nonsense to claim that homosexuality is unnatural. The onus then is on those who believe in homosexuality’s “unnaturalness” to prove it is unnatural in the natural world, since we are strictly confining the argument here to what is natural in the natural world. If you find both homo-and hetero- sexuality occurring rampantly throughout the natural world, then clearly, we must accept that whatever human notions of “natural” vs “unnatural” sexuality cannot be supported by what you observe in nature. If there is no evidential support for the natural vs unnatural sexuality dichotomy, then obviously, something is wrong with the dichotomy. It is a false dichotomy and has no place in any rational discussion on human sexuality. In conclusion, stop claiming you know what is natural or unnatural when the natural reality is stupefyingly complex. Leave nature out of the debate and focus on the humans.

    2) The only reason why we love bringing up scientific facts is NOT to hide behind science! Science has always been the clearest, surest way to debunk myths, falsehoods and superstitions. Why do they need debunking? Because they can be used to justify discrimination and oppression of certain people especially minorities. Myths include theories of natural or unnatural sexuality, the idea that sex is solely for reproduction, that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, that homosexuality leads to widespread social ills and the collapse of society, the list is endless. I note that some people keep claiming there are “countless scientific studies” proving that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. These are not myths. They are called pseudoscience – myths/falsehoods that hide behind the credible facade of science. How do we know these studies are pseudoscience? Because many of the paper’s authors had to withdraw their papers’ claims when other scientists pointed out their methodology was biased or their findings could not be replicated.

    3) The most infamous pseudoscience is the theory you can “cure” homosexuality with psychiatry, drugs, or other dubious practices like reparative therapy that have no basis in scientific medicine (see http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=homosexuality-cure-masters-johnson)

    Because of reparative therapy we have big movements in the USA such as the Ex-gay movement. In case you didn’t know, even the long time poster-boy for this controversial movement has denounced it, admitting, “I no longer support the ex-gay movement or efforts to attempt to change individuals” (see http://www.truthwinsout.org/pressrelease/2013/04/34493/)

    Another piece of pseudoscience claimed gay men die younger than heterosexual men. The study originated from flawed US research that was funded by a Christian research group. (http://www.theherald.com.au/story/318651/unhealthy-gay-lifestyle-claims-tied-to-bad-study/).

    There are so many such examples of flawed research, biased findings in the pseudoscience constantly spewed out by the anti-gay lobby, that you have to wonder who is the one really craving the credibility of science and trying to hide behind it – gays or homophobes? Me thinks its the homophobes. You do not see gays so desperate to churn out study after study supporting their rights. It’s only the anti-gay lobby that invests millions in such biased research.

    Lastly, I would like to point out that so many of the anti-gay studies have been falsified or their authors admitted they were biased, whereas most of the major studies proving that homosexuality is either genetic or biological (not-learned) in origin have stood the test of time. Ditto for major studies like Kinsey’s Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) proving that human sexuality is not binary – gay or straight – rather it exists on a continuous spectrum with many variations in between the two extremes. Including asexuality. These findings are largely accepted by the world’s medical and scientific community till today, not because the community is pro-gay. But because the practitioners are committed to good science, and good science stands the test of time.

  28. Tan says:

    All of us are born with a sin nature and sinful desires. It is natural for you and for all of us, to be tempted to do things that God says are wrong. Adulterers (alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.) don’t make a conscious decision to “choose” that self-destructive lifestye; they simply give in to their sinful desires. However, although sin is natural for unbelievers, that doesn’t mean God wants you to remain that way. God can set you free from your sinful nature, give you new desires and help you withstand temptations.
    I too was born with homosexual tendencies, i experience my first naive encounter with my same age cousin… I was also born with a tendency to lie, steal, commit adultery and fornicate. All these i have done including fornicate. It’s called ‘sin’ and it’s in every one of us.”

    The question i have for you is – do you choose to continue in whatever you are doing and saying, out of your God given conscience? If you answer is no , then with true repentance and faith in Jesus, God will take away your unclean spirit and give you a new heart with new desires.

  29. Again you mention that because some very animals are doing it, it means that it is not unnatural for human like you to have homosexual sex. So you want to take yourselves as animals, then you should also have sex with your mother and father, sister and brother as that what animals do as well. Does that make it natural too? Human being has a responsibility to not only himself but also to his or her family and the society as well as those he or she live with.

    In any case, I like to state again, it is not my quarrel with any gay person to do what they want to do. I just wanted Roy as a gay person to state in his website that he really just wanted the right to have homosexual sex with other men. Roy is still hiding behind his statement that he wanted the right to love, which nobody is preventing him to do that. Roy is very much similar to a pedophile who said that people or society is preventing his right to love children. Roy must be honest with himself to state clearly that he really wanted to have homosexual sex with men in his website. Roy, be honest, come out and state it. Why beat around the bush?

    • Hi,

      Let me state categorically that what I’m aspiring towards is my right to love another man. This is a right that is mine, naturally, and is not something that I should even reclaim.

      I do not appreciate your remarks on contorting my beliefs of love to something that you can stomach.

      I find your insistence of redefining my beliefs completely appalling and distasteful.

      In your haste to impose your views onto someone else, you are as reactionary and unjustifiable personally-centric in your own worldviews.

      I will not redefine my case for it is love that I seek, yearn and appreciate, much the same as any other human being for another.

      If you perhaps so much as indulge in the idea that another person can only love another person in so much as a sexual way, then perhaps this is only a reflection of your personal belief of love that so much I understand is how you perceive love, then perhaps I would be as objectionable towards your objectifying of women as sexual objects.

      It is not too long ago that women regain their rights as equal individuals – right which men, perhaps as you, have denied and subjugated.

      It is disgusting, distasteful and appalling irresponsible for you to hide behind an unknown identity to critique my beliefs and insist on the imposition of your beliefs on mine, when you do not have either the conviction or courtesy to step behind your false identity to come face to face with me for a conversation that perhaps we can then take on an equal.

      My picture is here. My identity is here. I put myself out, I stand up for my views and my beliefs and I have the personal conviction to stand up for what I believe in. DO NOT tell me that you have any conviction more than what you fear behind that identity of yours and if you do not dare even come into conversation with me on a face to face basis, then what you say is premised on an existence that is as much weak as your insistence on laying behind a constructed identity.

      You have as much truth as the identity you create. I have as much honesty as the truth I put myself out here. Now, challenge me on an equal level and we will see where we go with. And I can assure you that you will be severely weakened in your stance. That much I can promise you.

      Now, if you so as much do not have the guts to come into a meeting with me, then I assure you that whatever you will write from here will be treated with as much sincerity and falsity by all the readers here.

      Thank you.

      Roy

    • Your comments are simply on senseless grounds. Please reflect upon yourself. If you’re so perfect, go your own way and find the peace within. Your outrageous reply and hurtful reply are simply uncalled for. I’m his sister and it hurts to see how you force him to say something that’s what you wish to see. Back on your comment on his selfish desires, more so yours. I can’t have you take back your words. But your intentions and who you are as a person is all out for people to see. I will not degrade you like how you do it to people, but I wish you all the best in finding securities in yourself. Please, keep your comments to yourself. We have to wish for you to disrespect another person.

  30. Be honest with yourself and your readers, your so call love include homosexual sex. Nothing more. Just state it in your website. That is the truth. Why try to hide it? Are you ashamed of it? Why said something else?

  31. As long as you hide behind the right to love and not come out to say you actually wanted the right to homosexual sex, you get no respect from all people including gay as well as straight people. You want respect, you got to be honest and come clean about what your homosexual life is all about. You still have not accept your homosexual side of your gay behavior although you are practicing homosexual activities and engaging in homosexual promiscuity. You need help and you should get it early before it is too late.

  32. Ghost says:

    Dear Roy,

    After reading your story, I am very impressed at your willingness to come out in public. There are many people in Singapore who are not liberal enough to accept the existence of homosexuality. It could just be that they are a lost cause. Posting stories such as this would educate many and have probably resulted in a greater acceptance of homosexuality all over the world in the past 10 years or so (Especially with all the world news of legalising same-sex marriage e.g. New Zealand, UK)… 10-20 years down the road, this may become more acceptable to the public and I sincerely hope that you would continue educating people about homosexuality.

    We all should lead happy lives as we only have one life. I am proud that you are willing to accept yourself and that your family can accept you. People should just accept that it is a facet of you such as race, political affiliation, religion, what tv shows you like to watch, whether you prefer Coke or Pepsi, what is your favourite colour e.t.c. As long as you live your life proudly and pursue happiness it is enough.

  33. Gay has now come out of their closet and live very open lives and Roy should be honest in his website that no one is denying his right to love nor his right to choose to be gay. Sure, there are some discrimation against certain segment of the population. But you don’t see them set up website to say these. Even in very open society in the west, there are also discrimation against the gay and other segment of the population but they are honest about it when they bring their issues and don’t hide behind what is their right to love. So readers to Roy website should encourage him to be honest about his need which is not about his right to love but is his right to homosexual activities.

  34. I notice that with each sequential reply from xdenniskellyx, the rhetoric gets shorter, he has less and less to mouth-off. He has even had to change his stand on many things he said previously, and recant some outrageous beliefs. For example, his earlier posts kept repeating that noone is discriminating against Roy and other gays. Now, he agrees “there are some discrimation against certain segment of the population”. And where previously he kept bringing up the “just because animals do it doesn’t mean you should do it” theory, he now has dropped that line. He used to think that sex is solely for reproduction. He admitted that is not the case. Anyone see a pattern here? I see an animal cornered, back-to-the-wall, seeing his options diminishing rapidly with every one of his beliefs being demolished slowly but surely.

    In such desperate straits, he now beats the tired drum of urging Roy to stop hiding behind the right to love. Its his only line left. xdenniskellyx, if you have not realised it yet, please pay attention. You have lost. If you use 1/1000000th of that grey matter between your ears you will realise that the minute you divorce the right to love from the right to sex, your cause is lost. Why? Because you are in effect saying that even for heterosexuals, the right to love does not automatically mean the right to sex. This is the logic of your cause in segregating love and sex as separate entities. You are in effect telling us you believe two people can fall in love, and stop right there. No hanky panky, no touchy feely, no doing the dirty.

    If you think along these lines, then like Roy and others here have said, I urge you to come out as a deeply sexually insecure person. Stop hiding behind the veil of a pious homophobe. It is obvious you are deeply ashamed of or jealous of (or both) people who enjoy sex. Because you know it – you do not enjoy sex do you? Or maybe you are a virgin who finds the very thought of any sexual act unthinkable. Stop projecting your own sexual inadequacy or sexual fears on to others. It is fine if you don’t like having sex. Just don’t tell others they cannot have sex just because you don’t like it! And furthermore, stop wasting everybody’s time when you know your reasoning is so bad that none of your theories hold any water!

  35. Yes, I am trying to make it simpler and simpler for Roy to answer since the answer from Roy always try to skip the core issue. So I am now making it very simple for Roy to answer but there is still no answer from him. If there is answer from Roy, then we can expand from there. If there is no answer, then the question got to be very simple. The simple question now is why is Roy need to have the right to love in this country? Is there any obstruction against him? Once he can answer this, we can then expand to my earlier points. So I am still waiting for the answer from Roy.

    • Tan says:

      Section 377A of the Penal Code of Singapore is the main remaining piece of legislation which criminalises sex between mutually consenting adult men. This penal code is currently under challenged. Nothing that I know of criminalises right to love same gender.

      • Hi Tan,

        Ok. I believe we are discussing about the same kind of love here – romantic love to a partner (as opposed to platonic or familial love), that I presume was the context of your first comment.

        What would your definition of this love be?

        Roy

      • Hi Tan,

        You had discussed love from the Christian perspective.

        I had did a search and found the four forms of Christian love – Storge, Phileo, Eros and Agape.

        I am not a Christian, so with my understanding of the forms of love described, I would say that the love I seek to achieve in Agape love.

        I am not a Christian, so I was trying to explain myself from a perspective that you might find relate to better. Pardon me for my limited appreciation of the terminology.

        Also, you haven’t seemed to be interested in elaborating yourself, so I have found it implausible to understand what you would want to say adequately. I can only surmise that you are not interested in a discussion, or might have thought through and realise that in the eventuality, our conclusions will be the same – that I should have my right to love and that I should advocate for it.

        If you might think otherwise, I hope you would explain further.

        Otherwise, I would be unable to respond further to comments that you make, if I am unable to understand what is it you seek to express.

        Thank you.

        Roy

      • Tan says:

        I will likely end my comments here by saying you have the option to choose and by your free will. When the time comes, you must be prepared to face the consequences of your choice. Knowledge is yours so use it wisely for the benefit of mankind, in a righteous way.

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  37. Dennis Tan says:

    Dear My Right to Love

    Let me state that I am not an eloquent person with the ability to expound on convoluted arguments. I will just like to keep things simple if you can bear with me.

    Firstly the reason I am writing is that I am touched by the refreshingly down to earth honesty of your original blog. Though i admit I do not have the philosophical train of thoughts nor time to follow your later meanderings and comments; i have a family to take care of.

    Secondly you were young when these inclination to a different lifestyle germinated and you are probably still young enough to make a change in what you really want. I just want you to reflect about your real choices. If that lifestyle is destructive with all the emotional conflicts and strife, maybe now as you mature, maybe about time to consider to get out of these decadently deceptive luxuries when you have not yet vested 100% of your soul, strength and youth into it.

    I love you bro. It’s your choice until it is too late. If you want simple replies i will follow up. Please do not ask me for abstract expounding.

    Dennis

    • Hi bro,

      I’m 32 now and very happy gay.

      The “emotional conflicts and strife” that you mentioned occurred because of people who wanted to impose their beliefs on me, which weren’t mine.

      Once I learnt to understand that I should treat myself with respect and live my life as my true purpose, I learnt to feel happy.

      And here is now, I’m gay and happy.

      Thank you for your concern.

      Roy

  38. Grim says:

    Hi, Roy. I’m amazed by your courage to make such a bold declaration to the world of your sexual orientation. I’m impressed in your courage an is keen to be friends with you. Care to exchange contacts and hang out?

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  40. I’m not even a lesbian, and my parents still don’t accept the person I love because they say we’re from two completely different worlds and I’ll find someone better. You’re very lucky. (:

    • Hi bluepaperdreams,

      It was a long journey before I was able to finally come to an understanding with my family.

      What I have learnt is that all of us going through journeys which are meant to help us to learn.

      Be patient and understanding what is there in this moment for you to learn and understand. When you are able to see that, you will learn to accept it and learn to go along with this journey.

      🙂

      Roy

  41. Jo M says:

    Hey Roy, just came upon your story, which speaks to me in so many ways. I’m in my early 30s now, I never thought I was gay as I never had an attraction to a guy like that. Until a guy came into my life and when he told me about his feelings for me I laughed because that was the last thing I expected. I just thought I met someone who I connected with in a friendly way untill he declared his feelings. The first person I went to for advice was my older sis, we very close in my family. That became a coming out story/getting advice from her, within 2 weeks my family, and my closest friends knew(10 People in totally) . I was in a relationship for 3 months. I’m very blessed with a loving family. The relationship didn’t last but I’m glad he came into my life as I learned a lot about who I am,I’m happier and my self- esteem is grown to a point that I believe I can do anything. Needless to say I’m single and very happy that way. Being gay is just one aspect of who I am not my all. I’m glad all is coming together with your family and thanks for speaking to us all. I am blessed to be living in country that is all about equality and human rights. Regards Jo M(Blackmale Johannesburg South Africa).

  42. A. Nrakatnan says:

    Dearest Roy,

    Thank you for sharing. I stumbled upon it while surfing the net for any interesting posts/stories. I wish to point out how we share similar experiences and additionally, my other (unique) experiences. I am curious if gay guys in general share such stories.

    I regularly achieved top awards for humanities (history, geography and literature) during my secondary school years and went on to read one of the more competitive degree courses in a local university.

    During my early years, I too went into couple of relationships that dissipated over a couple of months or weeks. I blamed myself for all these failures and as a result, had low self-esteem. I wasn’t an athlete; I hate balls and would rather run away from the soccer ball then kicking it. I was ‘garang’ during my national service to achieve certain personal vendetta and since I was in a gold National Cadet Corp (NCC) team during my secondary school years, it was an easy feat.

    However, what led to my reply is my gratitude or respect to you for being racially or ethnicity blind.

    Yes, I am of a minority race in Singapore. I had it easier I guess going to a Methodist school during my later years but was in a Chinese-dominated primary and secondary school. I hated it so much that even now, I refuse to pick up Mandarin even though I could pick up languages easily (I am proficient in four languages). It stemmed from my early years trying to find my identity and place in school.

    Similarly, it was not easy for me to find a partner in Singapore because of my preference for guys with oriental features. My self-esteem took a blow from several rejections and I even felt ugly during my teenage years. However I realised that (firstly) looks are subjective and (secondly not to toot my own horn) I am actually blessed with good looks because I modeled during my university years. I am bestowed with lady luck and am currently in a two-year loving relationship with a (Chinese) partner who dotes on me.

    Additionally, I am facing challenges from my family. I came from a severely religious background and both my parents and brother (unfortunately I have no sisters) oppose homosexuality. I am still trying to find ways to mediate and make them understand but right now, we are not treading that topic during our daily conversations. I tried working overseas for a year but went back with a realisation that this is not an ideal way to confront my issue(s).

    I love your ending. My view is right now, I need the right to love from my family. I too feel the need to live life proudly and to be assured that my sexuality is ‘right’ and ‘accepted’. I also wish to highlight how racial discrimination actually does exist within the gay circles in our tiny nation.

    Thank you, and I hope you would read my humble reply.

    Lots of love, A.

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