Jack: Which one comes first? Lust or Love
Me: What’s the context of your question though? Anyway sometimes we give lust too much credit for things which are beyond what lust is about.
Jack: Love at first sight. Thats my context
Me: We need to have the awareness to understand the feelings we have for another person to understand if it’s love or lust.
Jack: Which one comes first?
Me: But is the question about which comes first?
Jack: No lust = no love. Thats my take
Me: See. I think we categorise these ideas too much. We say that people lust but what does it mean when they lust? Sometimes people so-call ‘lust’ because they have low self-esteem or they are lonely, for example. Some people want to have sex with another person because they have an inner need – loneliness for example – that needs to be fulfilled. When that happens, it seems like they have lust. But is that lust?
Sometimes when we meet someone and we think about wanting to be affectionate with the person – maybe because we are lonely. Is this love? Or is it lust? This wanting to be affectionate might arise because we feel an emptiness and this person happens to look good or make us feel good enough to want to be affectionate with the person.
And after we show affection to the person, and we might have lesser feelings for the person, maybe we’ll attribute our wanting to have affection as lust. But is it?
That’s what I mean by awareness – we need to be aware of why we feel for another person, what this awareness is, why we want to show affection to another person whom we just got to know and what this affection is about.
Jack: Ah ic. So it isnt as simple as we think. Or I think
Me: And I think for gay people, sometimes when we meet someone, we want to immediately feel for the person, or we might develop immediate emotions for another person – we have to understand what this emotion is. Is it because we want love and have an inner desire or need that needs to be fulfilled, and is it why because of this need – loneliness for example? – that makes us want to feel for a person we had just met, even though we do not know this person?
If this is the case, then it’s neither love nor lust for that person. It’s our inner need and our want to fulfil it.
Then we have to be clear that it’s not about the other person but about us – about what we are trying to deal for ourselves within ourselves. We need to understand ourselves.
So when we meet another person and the person might have lesser emotions for us after a meeting or after having some form of affection, we have to be aware of this. Perhaps the person was also showing affection or a liking for us because they might have felt an inner need and when they saw us, they might want to express it. But after they express it, they might have a lesser need to fulfil at that point. And we should understand this because we do the same thing. And if the person decides to move away from us, we have to be aware and realise that it’s not about us – it’s not because we are not good enough etc. It’s just because the person has temporarily fulfill that inner need and might realise that any feeling he might have for us is based on that – his inner issues. And we need to learn to accept that and let it go, because it wasn’t ever about us or who we are in the first place.
Jack: So relationship is a transaction
Me: But yes relationships are always about a transaction, but what kind of transaction?
Of course if we can love someone unconditionally, that would be the best. That would be a virtue. But when we go into a relationship with our own issues and needs, necessarily we hope that the person can fulfill that need that we have. We would then choose to be with people whom we think can fulfill that need that we have. And it becomes transactional.
But if we have the awareness to love because of our genuine feelings for the person itself and if we can learn to see what issues we have and understand that we need to deal with them by ourselves and not bring them into the relationship, then we’ll be aware and we will not use the relationship in a transactional way.