Are Gay People Just All About Sex?

Recently, I heard about a guy who had “lost his virginity”, as it was described to me. His friends cheered and congratulated him when they found out. They were happy for him, that he had finally had sex. It doesn’t matter who it was. Nor did it matter whether he used condoms. All that mattered to them was that he has had sex.

Someone asked, “Did you use a condom?” To that, there was no reply. I was told, “So what if you ask someone if they used condoms? They most probably wouldn’t say, or even if they did, they would have said that they had, mostly – because they wouldn’t want to let others know.”

Is sex so priced among the gay community that it is something that you would shout about? Is sex really what the gay community is about? Or is it just because everyone is doing it, and that’s why we feel we have to do it? Or is it because we’ve already gotten ourselves sexed, and perhaps, maligned, that we hope that someone else would have sex too, to be similarly conflicted like we are?

What happened to the idea that having sex with the person you love is the most magical that can be? Fluff? Perhaps. Wherever I meet someone who hasn’t had sex yet in his life, I would always tell him, “I think that’s good. In fact, I envy you. I had sex at a very young age. And then, I had sex with anyone. I never got to start out having sex with the person I truly love. Until now, I still don’t understand what sex feels like with someone you truly love. So, keep it that way. And when you finally find someone you truly love and have sex with him, it would be beautiful.” That would be what I would say. That would be the responsible thing to do.

*****

I understand the torment that goes through living a life where sex overrules love, where sex takes precedent as a gay person. I know how a life like this might not necessarily lead to happiness. I’ve seen people who have decided to feel ‘jaded’ because they lose hope with finding love, since it looks like everyone else is having sex. I’ve seen people who simply decide to have sex and give up on a relationship, because sex is so much easier to obtain, and because relationships seem so hard to maintain. And so, we give up. I understand what a focus on sex can to do my life, and so, I always encourage someone who hasn’t had sex yet to value himself. And I commend him for knowing what he wants and believing in what he wants, in spite of what others say.

There might be some who chide him or mock him – why are you pretending to be so chaste? Why don’t you just have sex? What are you pretending to be?

But is he pretending? Why do we think he’s pretending? We think so, because, deep inside, we are upset that we cannot be like him. Deep down, we know we envy that he is able to be strong and think for himself. He is able to protect his beliefs, even though every other guy seems to be fucking any hole that can be found. But this guy – he believes in himself. He is assured of himself. He doesn’t need to have sex to feel better about himself. He doesn’t need to have sex to feel loved. He doesn’t need to have sex to realise his value. He knows that love exists and he continues to believe in it. And he knows the sanctity of what he believes in and lives his life, with hope, with belief and with strength and courage.

Are we envious of him? Do we perhaps sometimes look back in our lives and wonder – why did I start out having sex? If I hadn’t start out having sex, things might have been different. I might continue to believe in love, and I might have found the person I truly love and settle down with him. But no, we started out having sex, and because of that, we judge the gay community for being a dirty, disgusting community where it’s all about fuck. But the gay community is defined by who is inside it. It’s defined by us. If we allow ourselves to squander ourselves away, we allow the gay community to languish and become the hopelessness that we imbue it with.

If we want a gay community to be one that we can respect and which believes in love and hope, then we have to start with ourselves. We have to start thinking differently. We have to start realising that if we do not want the gay community to be all about sex, we have to start thinking that way. We have to stop encouraging our friends or cheering them on to have sex if they have not.

And why do we do so? If my life sucks, I want yours to be like mine. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it? Really? Friends will teach you about their experiences, and remind you that they didn’t have it easy. Friends will remind you that if there were some experiences that they weren’t happy about, they would let you know so that you won’t have to live lives the way they did. Friends would tell you that if it hurts and feel empty having sex with random people and that if they wished that they could have sex with someone they can truly love that they would, they would tell you. So that you can learn from them and not do what they have had.

If you are a true friend, when you see that your friend might possibly repeat the mistake that you had done, you would pull him back and speak to him, and remind him of what he is getting himself into.

But that means we need to be aware of ourselves. We find friends whom we feel have similar experiences with us. If we feel we are in the lowdown, we think that they are too. And when we see one another go through experiences which have made us feel wilted, we feel assured knowing that our bad tidings are shared, and that we aren’t the only one stuck in the rut. What kind of friend are we if we do that? What kind of friend are we to hope that someone else makes the same mistake so that we can feel good about ourselves? What kind of friend are we when we cannot stop to think about our situation, and realise that we had the short end of the stick, and know that we should stop our friend from also having to go through the experiences that we wished we never had to go through?

*****

What does it say about us? Eventually, it comes back to us again. We need to have the awareness of what we go through in life, to learn from it. We also need to have the responsibility as a person, and as a friend, to watch out for our friend, and that if we know that our friend is going through the same experiences that we had before, that we can be there to guide them along, and share with them our experiences so that they can learn from us and live a better life. We have to learn to be happy for others when they live a better life.

Is sex everything then? Is sex what the gay community is about? Is sex really what gay men are all about? Horny lustful bastards? Is this what you are? I know I’m more than that. I’m still trying to find out more about myself. Do I still have sex? Yes I do. I’m not writing this to sound better than anyone. I’m writing this because I want to know – how can I live a life that I can be proud of? How can I live a life that I can br happy with? Why am I having sex with people, yet have a nagging feeling that perhaps there’s more to why I have sex with someone? There’s a reason why I have sex and it’s not just lust. What is this need I’m using sex to compensate for?

I still believe in love. I still believe in the gay community. I still believe we can be gay, proud of ourselves and be happy. I know as gay people, we can live the life that we want. And that’s not because I’m believing for the sake of believing. I believe because I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen myself learn so much more about myself. I’ve seen friends who continue to live happy, contended and fulfilling lives and friends who are still on their path towards searching for what they want and to believe in.

At some point, we have to take responsibility for ourselves, to be aware of the lives we live, and to be aware of why we do certain things, why we have sex and why we encourage other people to have sex. At some point, we have to stop following what everyone else is doing because that’s the cool thing to do. We have to decide for ourselves that we believe in ourselves and we will do things because we respect ourselves, and we know that what we do will enrich us further. We would know that there are friends, whom we call them as, who might not have the best interests for us at heart, not because they are not true, but because they are not aware, and while we give them the time to learn, we have to allow ourselves to move on with ours and live the life that we want – one that can be proud of and be true to ourselves with.

At some point, we need to be who we are. And be true to ourselves.

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4 thoughts on “Are Gay People Just All About Sex?

  1. Eddie Leong says:

    Hi Roy,

    Once again, it’s nice to read your blog article. I do agreed with you that sex is not about everything in this gay community, and also what a true friend should be.

    And I sincerely hope that you could find someone that you truly love for. πŸ™‚

    Cheers,
    Eddie

  2. Ben says:

    Hello Roy, it’s been quite some time. I didn’t realise you had a blog :).

    It’s interesting that you start off with an anecdote about the glory of losing one’s virginity. Reading the first 2 paragraphs, it could easily have been an anecdote about a straight guy losing his virginity to a girl.

    Truth is, especially in western culture, it’s not uncommon to celebrate “getting laid” for straight men, not just gay men.

    I think the “glory” may be more appropriately attributed to the difficulty in successfully wooing someone else to get to the deed. This is arguably a more involved affair for straight couples though – if my only objective was to get laid as a gay man, I’m pretty sure any gay sauna would serve that particular need without difficulty.

    ——

    I haven’t *actually* had sex yet. Or I’m not sure if it would qualify. Nothing truly penetrative, no climax. Heh… the definition of “losing virginity” for a gay man is rather blurry I think.

    Regardless, I would agree that having sex with someone I truly loved would definitely be a special experience. I haven’t done anything with my current partner yet – I sometimes wonder at the strange relationship we have. We hardly get to touch each other, but just talking to him makes me feel really good, so I continue to see him whenever I can.

    ——-

    I guess this is a very strong, personal matter to you. Your introspection brings up a lot of personal experiences.

    I’m not particularly experienced with the gay community in general. What I have seen is somewhat surprising – I think most people in the coffee session are aware of a lot of gossip that goes around, but I generally tend to be oblivious about it, since I am not really interested in it. Relationships come and go at an alarmingly high rate though, which is quite scary. I’ve witnessed what were supposed to have been very close relationships disintegrate quickly and without warning, and I can see how it can be disheartening.

    It’s true though, that the gay community seems to be fairly promiscuous, albeit with a few exceptions. My personal rationalization (purely subjective) is that men are naturally horny, and unlike straight men who have to contend with straight women who are generally more resistant to one-night-stands, gay men have less barriers and tend to participate in it more often.

    I’m not saying I agree with such behavior, but if both parties are willing and practice safe sex, I don’t think it is really too terrible a thing.

    Your main point, of course, is whether or not such behavior detracts from the ability of 2 gay men to form a lasting, loving relationship. Perhaps when people jump into a high level of intimacy too quickly, it makes it difficult to step back again and try to work at and build the necessary chemistry that allows for a truly loving relationship.

    Don’t get too fraught with this issue. Love… l don’t believe it’s a “at first sight thing”. Lust, yes. I don’t have much experience with it, but love… true love… seems to me to be something that is built over time, where both parties work towards getting to know and appreciate each other beyond what is skin deep, to both tolerate and celebrate each other’s nuances and attributes. You’ll probably reach the point of true love when both of you can no longer think of your partner as a separate entity, but really as something that you would treasure and value as much as yourself.

    Take care πŸ™‚

  3. Hi Roy,
    I’ve read your post. And , i admire your desire to speak so openly about your identity as gay and to help the people around you who are going through the same struggles as you. And i resonate with your clarion call to be who you are and dare to be who you are especially in this world where fitting and conforming to society is what everyone is doing.
    i do however have an alternative opinion about gay people being all about sex.
    firstly, i’d like to say first that i’m a Christian.
    and as you know, our God has an issue with the whole idea of homosexuality.

    i shan’t bother expounding what those ideas are as u’ve probably have a clearer idea than most people about what Christians think about homosexuality. and i know the havn’t been the best examples of love in this area.

    what i felt like just responding however is to the idea of sex and homosexuality.

    The idea of being gay, is inextricably linked to sex.
    The only difference between two best buddies and two homosexuals is this. Sex.
    it is what makes a gay a gay. if u don’t have sex, and u love a guy, then thats just being a very good brother. The moment u bring in sex into the equation, then what we talk about is homosexuality.

    God has completely has no issue with men loving other men.
    However, a man having sex with another man kissing etc.
    Thats where the sticky road goes awry.

    to be honest, apart from my fundmental beliefs about homosexuality, i do resonate with you w regards to what you talk about society at large and i appreciate the sensitivity and the rationale and balanced scenario you painted in your article about malaysia ruling over Singapore.

    to conclude, in response to your question. are gay people all about sex?
    i would have to say yes. Cuz sex is what sets apart a gay relationship from a love relationship between two straight men.
    by and large, i believe this statement to be applicable to the majority of people who profess to be homosexuals.

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