Recently, I heard about a guy who had “lost his virginity”, as it was described to me. His friends cheered and congratulated him when they found out. They were happy for him, that he had finally had sex. It doesn’t matter who it was. Nor did it matter whether he used condoms. All that mattered to them was that he has had sex.
Someone asked, “Did you use a condom?” To that, there was no reply. I was told, “So what if you ask someone if they used condoms? They most probably wouldn’t say, or even if they did, they would have said that they had, mostly – because they wouldn’t want to let others know.”
Is sex so priced among the gay community that it is something that you would shout about? Is sex really what the gay community is about? Or is it just because everyone is doing it, and that’s why we feel we have to do it? Or is it because we’ve already gotten ourselves sexed, and perhaps, maligned, that we hope that someone else would have sex too, to be similarly conflicted like we are?
What happened to the idea that having sex with the person you love is the most magical that can be? Fluff? Perhaps. Wherever I meet someone who hasn’t had sex yet in his life, I would always tell him, “I think that’s good. In fact, I envy you. I had sex at a very young age. And then, I had sex with anyone. I never got to start out having sex with the person I truly love. Until now, I still don’t understand what sex feels like with someone you truly love. So, keep it that way. And when you finally find someone you truly love and have sex with him, it would be beautiful.” That would be what I would say. That would be the responsible thing to do.
I understand the torment that goes through living a life where sex overrules love, where sex takes precedent as a gay person. I know how a life like this might not necessarily lead to happiness. I’ve seen people who have decided to feel ‘jaded’ because they lose hope with finding love, since it looks like everyone else is having sex. I’ve seen people who simply decide to have sex and give up on a relationship, because sex is so much easier to obtain, and because relationships seem so hard to maintain. And so, we give up. I understand what a focus on sex can to do my life, and so, I always encourage someone who hasn’t had sex yet to value himself. And I commend him for knowing what he wants and believing in what he wants, in spite of what others say.
There might be some who chide him or mock him – why are you pretending to be so chaste? Why don’t you just have sex? What are you pretending to be?
But is he pretending? Why do we think he’s pretending? We think so, because, deep inside, we are upset that we cannot be like him. Deep down, we know we envy that he is able to be strong and think for himself. He is able to protect his beliefs, even though every other guy seems to be fucking any hole that can be found. But this guy – he believes in himself. He is assured of himself. He doesn’t need to have sex to feel better about himself. He doesn’t need to have sex to feel loved. He doesn’t need to have sex to realise his value. He knows that love exists and he continues to believe in it. And he knows the sanctity of what he believes in and lives his life, with hope, with belief and with strength and courage.
Are we envious of him? Do we perhaps sometimes look back in our lives and wonder – why did I start out having sex? If I hadn’t start out having sex, things might have been different. I might continue to believe in love, and I might have found the person I truly love and settle down with him. But no, we started out having sex, and because of that, we judge the gay community for being a dirty, disgusting community where it’s all about fuck. But the gay community is defined by who is inside it. It’s defined by us. If we allow ourselves to squander ourselves away, we allow the gay community to languish and become the hopelessness that we imbue it with.
If we want a gay community to be one that we can respect and which believes in love and hope, then we have to start with ourselves. We have to start thinking differently. We have to start realising that if we do not want the gay community to be all about sex, we have to start thinking that way. We have to stop encouraging our friends or cheering them on to have sex if they have not.
And why do we do so? If my life sucks, I want yours to be like mine. That’s what friends are for, isn’t it? Really? Friends will teach you about their experiences, and remind you that they didn’t have it easy. Friends will remind you that if there were some experiences that they weren’t happy about, they would let you know so that you won’t have to live lives the way they did. Friends would tell you that if it hurts and feel empty having sex with random people and that if they wished that they could have sex with someone they can truly love that they would, they would tell you. So that you can learn from them and not do what they have had.
If you are a true friend, when you see that your friend might possibly repeat the mistake that you had done, you would pull him back and speak to him, and remind him of what he is getting himself into.
But that means we need to be aware of ourselves. We find friends whom we feel have similar experiences with us. If we feel we are in the lowdown, we think that they are too. And when we see one another go through experiences which have made us feel wilted, we feel assured knowing that our bad tidings are shared, and that we aren’t the only one stuck in the rut. What kind of friend are we if we do that? What kind of friend are we to hope that someone else makes the same mistake so that we can feel good about ourselves? What kind of friend are we when we cannot stop to think about our situation, and realise that we had the short end of the stick, and know that we should stop our friend from also having to go through the experiences that we wished we never had to go through?
What does it say about us? Eventually, it comes back to us again. We need to have the awareness of what we go through in life, to learn from it. We also need to have the responsibility as a person, and as a friend, to watch out for our friend, and that if we know that our friend is going through the same experiences that we had before, that we can be there to guide them along, and share with them our experiences so that they can learn from us and live a better life. We have to learn to be happy for others when they live a better life.
Is sex everything then? Is sex what the gay community is about? Is sex really what gay men are all about? Horny lustful bastards? Is this what you are? I know I’m more than that. I’m still trying to find out more about myself. Do I still have sex? Yes I do. I’m not writing this to sound better than anyone. I’m writing this because I want to know – how can I live a life that I can be proud of? How can I live a life that I can br happy with? Why am I having sex with people, yet have a nagging feeling that perhaps there’s more to why I have sex with someone? There’s a reason why I have sex and it’s not just lust. What is this need I’m using sex to compensate for?
I still believe in love. I still believe in the gay community. I still believe we can be gay, proud of ourselves and be happy. I know as gay people, we can live the life that we want. And that’s not because I’m believing for the sake of believing. I believe because I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen myself learn so much more about myself. I’ve seen friends who continue to live happy, contended and fulfilling lives and friends who are still on their path towards searching for what they want and to believe in.
At some point, we have to take responsibility for ourselves, to be aware of the lives we live, and to be aware of why we do certain things, why we have sex and why we encourage other people to have sex. At some point, we have to stop following what everyone else is doing because that’s the cool thing to do. We have to decide for ourselves that we believe in ourselves and we will do things because we respect ourselves, and we know that what we do will enrich us further. We would know that there are friends, whom we call them as, who might not have the best interests for us at heart, not because they are not true, but because they are not aware, and while we give them the time to learn, we have to allow ourselves to move on with ours and live the life that we want – one that can be proud of and be true to ourselves with.
At some point, we need to be who we are. And be true to ourselves.