I chatted with a guy on Grindr today. He said that he was going overseas in the next few days for a long holiday and asked if we wanted to meet up for coffee in the evening. I agreed since I had nothing planned for the evening and I was quite excited to meet someone new.
We met in the evening. I had already eaten earlier as I was hungry. When he came, we went to Soup Spoon and he got himself a bowl of soup. Within 10 minutes, he finished the soup. I asked if he wanted to eat anything else. He said no and then said that he had to go back home to pack his bags.
I told him not to worry and I’m fine with it. And we parted. As I was walking to the train station, I started sinking into myself again. I started thinking – why am I not good enough? Why do people meet me and not like me? I am that bad … And for a moment, I thought to myself – life is so meaningless. Why am I living it?
But right then, I woke myself up again.
This was a feeling that I hadn’t had for years now – the feeling of hurt and despair. I’ve been hurt now and then over the past few years but not with the added intensity of despair. It’s been a while since I allowed myself to feel loss, with the feeling of wanting to give up. I suppose the fact that he was quite blatant about not wanting to waste anymore time at the meeting came as a shock.
But then, I didn’t blame him. He did what was right for him – if he wasn’t interested, why waste any more time? I suppose I was shock as the usual social etiquette means that even if someone wants to do that, they wouldn’t or at least they might force themselves to spend that arduous one hour sitting with someone they didn’t really fancy, while typing on the phone, hoping to make time pass faster. He did what was right and I wasn’t prepared for it – which explained my response as well.
Then I remembered – why do I make this about me again? Why do I allow myself to feel bad about myself? It wasn’t about me. The guy decided I wasn’t his cut of time and he did the responsible thing for himself to end the meeting, albeit slightly abrupt, but for me. My initial reaction was to make it about me, but it wasn’t – he has a preference and I needed to respect that.
So, I stopped myself from wading deeper into self pity and self doubt and started remembering again – I needed to believe in myself. And I needed to know, in my own way, I’m good enough. In my own way, I’m valuable. And I needed to know remember – this is one guy who doesn’t like me but it doesn’t mean that’s the end of the road. There would be another guy – that one guy who’s meant for me – who will appear. And I needed to see beyond myself to believe in who I was and to see into the future.
Sounds ironic, I know. How do you not sink into yourself and yet be able to believe in yourself? When we start wading into our unhappiness and create ideas of our undesirability, it’s because we want to continue the story of reject for ourselves. We want to extent the idea of reject into a long drawn story so that we can continue to shower attention on ourselves. If he wouldn’t do it, we would. But that’s playing into our ego’s need for attention.
And I’ve learnt to slowly be aware of what I’m doing so that I do not indulge myself. I would start focus on what’s real about myself – who I am, and to believe in that. And to remember to believe in the possibilities of the future and focus on that – and to have the hope to see clearer and further.
We need to be aware that sometimes we feed our own egocentric want for attention and learn to let that go. And we need to find the strength within ourselves to see who we really are, believe in ourselves and have the strength of faith to hope and go on living our lives happily.