For many years, whenever I met someone, I would think to myself – I want to be with him. I want to be attached to him.
And after a few days or sometimes, weeks, I would think to myself – that he is the one, that he is the one I can see myself with for the rest of my life.
Many times, when things didn’t work out, I would ask myself this – why do I keep meeting guys whom I feel is the guy that’s meant to be with me for the rest of my life and why they didn’t work out. I couldn’t understand. Why couldn’t they see it?
But then, truth is – why couldn’t I see it?
Thing is, I never really did knew any of them. Even after dating them for two weeks, a month or two months, I never really knew these men I were dating.
Every time I met someone, I would start wishing and hoping that he’s the one that I start making him the one. I never really knew if he was the one. I made him the one.
Every time I met someone, I would create a story of who they are and I would fall in love with this person I created. I had created the same story of a person, which I moved around, onto every other person I meet. And with every person, I had thus created this idea of a person whom I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
But I never knew them.
I wasn’t loving them. I never did. I was living in my own world and my own story. I had wanted love and with every person I met, I made that story come true in my own little world.
It took me many years to finally understand that it wasn’t all about me. When I met people, they had their lives and they had their stories too. I had expected them to be who I wanted them to be and had wanted them to be there to satisfy my inner needs.
But that wasn’t what they were meant to do. Just like when I go into a relationship, if someone has expectations of me, after a while, I would feel the stress and burden of his expectations and if I could see clearly, I would then choose not to be with that person because I would know that he couldn’t see me for I am, but that he was still mired within his own self and his own inner needs.
And that was where I was. I had inner needs which I needed fulfilled and I had hoped that these guys could do them.
When I finally realised this, I had already let go of many guys, some of them who would have been wonderful. But as I wasn’t ready and didn’t know what I was actually doing, I wasn’t ready to let them into my life.
Truth was, I was looking for someone to fulfill my inner need – I didn’t love myself. I was afraid of being hurt and I was afraid to be alone but instead of dealing with them, I went to look for other guys who would love me, so that when they did, I would then learn to see the value of who I was – or so I thought.
But that’s not the way things work, as I finally learnt to understand after the many guys I met. I had to learn to believe in myself and to find the strength within to learn to love myself. Only when I was strong and loved myself, and only when I knew what I want, could I then let someone else in. Only then could I be able to see beyond myself to see another person who they are, to embrace them for who they were and love them wholeheartedly.
It took me many years to understand this. But I’ve finally did understand. I spent years learning to believe in myself, to be stronger and to learn to love myself. I am still learning.
When I did learn to love myself, I understood that what I was looking for was for someone who could see me for who I am, for my beauty and my flaws, who would love them, as I would learn to love his. And I understood that what I was looking for was for someone who would be the other person who would enrich my life with things that I could learn from him as he could learn from mine, and which we would feel joyous within our union with each other.
That one day, I would find unconditional love, where we would learn to embrace one another for who we are and guide each other along as we learn in our own, and in each other’s lives.